So I couldn’t risk sneaking out and getting caught with Dad keeping such a close eye on me, but at the same time I figured he couldn’t keep me in the house all the time for ever. Dad wanted to keep me safe, but he wouldn’t want me to hate him – I knew that was important to him too. I decided the best thing for now would be to leave Fred a message.

I could have simply written a note, and left it taped to ‘our’ tree where he’d find it when he came to find me at our usual place, but I wanted to do something better than that. I borrowed the double tape deck and some cassettes from downstairs, telling Dad I wanted to make my own compilation to fall asleep to, found a blank tape and recorded some of my favourite love songs on to it. Then I recorded the song I wrote for Fred, playing my guitar as I sang.

I was a little nervous about it. What if he thought it was too sappy? He already thought I was a bit strange – he’d said as much.

But then again, Fred had also said that he liked that I did and said what I wanted, that I didn’t play games. This was what I wanted to do, so I’d go ahead and do it. And he had once said that he’d like to hear me play my guitar too.

Once I had made the tape and was happy with it, I recorded my own copy to keep for myself. Maybe I could play the tape and imagine Fred listening at the same time, I thought. Tears came to my eyes again as I realized that, for the time being, that might be as close as I was able to get to him.

While I was helping Dad clear away the dishes after lunch the day I was due to see Fred, I slipped into conversation as casually as I could: ‘I’m just going to go for a little walk round the garden before we get started on this afternoon’s lessons, ’kay? Feel like I’ve been inside forever.’

I started washing up, deliberately not looking at Dad. I had spent most of the morning rehearsing the words in my head. I figured it was best to present a walk as something I was going to do rather than explicitly asking permission and I added on the bit about feeling like I’d been inside forever to try to make him feel bad about having me on such a close watch. He liked me to get fresh air and exercise anyway, so he couldn’t really say no.

‘Yes, don’t see why not,’ he said, equally casually, though I bet it almost killed him to do so. ‘Don’t be too long.’

Inwardly I grinned, but I kept my face straight. ‘I won’t.’