‘My life is perfect!’ I screamed, as I launched the bottle across the room. The bottle exploded on impact and there were glass shards everywhere. I sank to my knees; hands on my face, I breathed. I needed to control this one thing, control my breathing. It took me a moment before I could stand up. I walked to my kitchen to grab the broom and a dustpan. Sweeping up the mess, a shard of glass cut my finger. Crimson blood pooled on my skin.

‘Quite the mess,’ I muttered to myself as I robotically continued to clean up. No emotion left inside me. Only control.

18. ASHRAY

18

ASHRAY

Do you know the feeling? That dull ache that you seem to carry around with you after someone has broken your heart. For weeks, I walked around in a stupor, convincing anybody who would listen that I was fine, that Sakshi’s betrayal had not devastated me. The truth was that, some days, I did not want to get out of bed, not understanding why I was not worthy of love. I would later understand that no matter how much love Maa showered on me, the feelings of betrayal and abandonment from being left on the steps of an orphanage still played heavily on my psyche. I felt neglected, discarded for something or someone better; that no matter what I did to better my life, it wasn’t enough. Maa and Rishi tried to reach out; they tried to distract and guide me. But I found myself wallowing, unable to pull myself out of the depths of my own self-loathing.

‘Eat something, Ashray,’ Maa said as she pushed a plate of food closer to me.

‘I’m fine.’ I pushed it back away from me.

‘You have to eat something, Ashray,’ she said insistently, pushing the food back within my reach. I knew she meant well, but I was tired of everyone telling me how I should feel, react or move on from Sakshi. She hadn’t even bothered to text, not once, not even to ask how I was.

‘I said I am fine!’ I banged my hands on the table, causing Maa to jump in her seat. I pushed my chair back and stormed out of the kitchen and apartment, slamming the front door behind me.

Mumbai nights were busy; those who tried to escape the heat during the day loitered around when the sun went down. The owner of the shop at the corner greeted me with a smile while he tried to thrust a free sheet newspaper in my hand. I waved it away, not interested in speaking to anyone. My feet pounded the ground as I picked up pace. I felt that it matched the rhythm of my heart, which threatened to explode in my chest. I don’t know how long I walked for, or why my mind insisted on replaying Sakshi’s words.