‘I’m glad she was with you,’ I replied, not wanting to push for more details. Latika was a lot to handle, but she was a good person, a reliable friend, and I was glad that Jhanvi had someone like her in her life.

Just then, her friend Kavya pulled up in a taxi. I leaned over and kissed Jhanvi on the cheek, promising to call her if I felt there was anything I couldn’t handle and making her promise the same. Although I knew that her need to control her life, her fear of failure, would mean that she wouldn’t. I cared for her in a way that was different to how I had felt about Sakshi. I had no expectations of her, but I did hope. Hope that, with time and with healing, we could find a middle ground. Somewhere between the comfort we felt together and a deep love that would never fade. She took her phone from me, greeting her friend warmly, but I could see it, the monster rising inside of her.

‘The only thing you can do is be there for her, Ashray,’ I told myself as I jumped into a taxi that would take me to the emptiness of my home.

33. JHANVI

33

JHANVI

No one ever fully recovers. Recovery is a process, ongoing and always changing. The things that set you off before become irrelevant and other things become important; life will always have something else that it throws at you. Challenging you to rise or daring you to crumble. Resting is not a sin, hiding for a little while to recover, regroup and find the strength to move forward again is fine, but hiding forever? That isn’t an option. That isn’t a recovery, it is defeat, and defeat isn’t an option when you love yourself.

‘You cannot fit anything else into your schedule, Jhanvi.’ Kavya was pushing back at my insistence that I needed to get more done to bring my figures back up to where they had been. I was irritated, battling more than one addiction, and my body continued to try and force me to relapse. I used positive reinforcement every day, but some days I needed to repeatedly tell myself that I was beautiful and loved. Today was one of those days that I felt I needed a mirror attached to my hand, to remind myself that I was capable of overcoming everything right now.