32. ASHRAY

ASHRAY

Jhanvi was waiting for me outside, in the same way she had been for the last four sessions.

Soon after my first session at the clinic, I remembered where I had first met Jhanvi. At first I thought I would tell her that we had met before, but I changed my mind—I didn’t think she would remember anything about that eventful night at the Goa Music Festival, where she got wasted. In any case, it didn’t make any sense to bring that memory back to her when she was trying to recover. So I decided never to talk about it.

I liked Jhanvi; liked that she seemed to understand what was going through my mind and that she listened to me without judgement. Slowly, I was able to reintroduce myself back at the office. Vihaan was wonderful, supporting me however he could, and Rishi did his part, but neither of them truly understood what was going on inside me. The terrifying feelings that overtook me when I was alone. Jhanvi got that. She understood that, no matter how many people surrounded you, you could still feel utterly alone in the world.

‘You ready for our stroll?’ I asked Jhanvi. She had her eyes glued to her screen, worrying about something yet again. I saw the internal struggle she had just trying to pull her eyes away from her phone.

‘Yeah,’ she responded, putting her phone in her bag and zipping it shut.

‘How has the week been?’ she asked, standing up from the bench.

‘Okay. Work is going great.’

‘I don’t mean work, Ashray, you know that.’

‘I’ve been good,’ I said, ‘really. No panic attacks and the loneliness at night has been manageable.’

‘Then, what is preoccupying your mind?’ She knew me so well already.

‘Just before Maa …’ I couldn’t say the words yet, ‘… well, before she left, I signed a lease on my dream apartment. It was meant to be a place that she could grow old in, but now, it just seems too big. Too empty for just me.’ She nodded, listening intently to what I was saying.

‘So, what are you going to do?’

‘I don’t know.’ I really didn’t know yet. ‘Just the thought of moving again, having to take her stuff somewhere else, makes me feel anxious.’

‘Then stay a little longer, until you feel like you can,’ she said, patting my arm.

‘It’s her birthday next week. My Maa’s.’

‘Ashray, I’m sorry, do you have anyone to be with you?’ I shook my head, knowing that Rishi and Latika would be there if I asked them, but I didn’t know if I wanted to share my grief. Didn’t know if I would even grieve.

‘I don’t want anyone around. I feel like it might be a good exercise in learning how to be alone.’