‘This is a safe space, and if you feel like you can’t be out here, there is a separate room you can wait in. If you like?’ I shook my head, determined to work through my nervousness, sure that I could fight the desire to flee from the confrontation that I thought was coming. As promised, my parents were keeping in touch with me more often now, and I found myself picking up the phone to call them without the need for reminders. Kavya’s help in arranging my schedule alleviated a lot of pressure. But I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I needed to be perfect. My life was a performance, and my audience was behind the screen of the very device that I had been forced to switch off.

I shook my head, pulling the cushion into my chest tighter. ‘You can do this, Jhanvi,’ I whispered, thankful that there was no one else in the room to judge me for speaking to myself. The door to the reception opened and a tall man with a panicked look on his face, burst in. He clutched the door frame, and I could see him counting under his breath. He reached into his pocket and nervously swallowed what I thought must be medication he needed to pull himself out of the agony he was in.

The receptionist stood up but didn’t move, allowing the man to try and gain control over what was happening to his body and mind. Eventually, he looked up. Sweat glistened on his forehead, which he patted away with a white handkerchief. He locked eyes with me, and I could tell he was just as terrified as I was of the path that lay in front of us. I lowered my gaze, burying my chin into the cushion, willing time to move quickly so that I could get out of here with at least some of my sanity intact.

28. ASHRAY

28

ASHRAY

Rishi couldn’t get time off work to accompany me to the psychiatrist’s office for my first appointment. I understood, of course; it was bad enough that I was working from home until I had whatever this was under control. The panic attacks were debilitating at first, but at least they were few and far between, usually triggered by some memory or some action that reminded me of what had happened. The only place I felt safe was in my new apartment, in the place that only had one memory of my Maa.