She cut me short. ‘Mr Pillai at the grocery store showed me your picture on the gossip pages, Jhanvi. They are saying you are India’s new big “influencer” girl. Apparently, this is a good thing?’

‘I didn’t realise,’ I admitted to my mother. ‘But yes, it is a good thing, Mom.’ I sighed.

‘Jhanvi, you sound distracted. Do you not think you are working too hard? How about a break? You could come here, to Delhi, spend some time with Dad and me?’

‘I just got back from a weekend away with Kavya, but soon Mom.’ I made my excuses to cut the conversation short; I couldn’t help feeling that my mother was interrogating me. In hindsight, I realised that it was probably my guilt for not phoning her first, but in my defence, I had been working all day. I asked her to convey my love to my dad, promising to call her next weekend. I disconnected the call and grabbed the bottle of vodka. The last thing I remember was scrolling through Puneet’s feed; he still wasn’t famous, but he was now in a relationship with the girl from the photo. Nausea overtook me as I ran to the bathroom to empty the contents of my stomach. I lay on the bathroom floor, the cool tiles against my face. The room began to spin. I closed my eyes. ‘We’ve all been here,’ I thought. ‘Haven’t we?’

16. ASHRAY

16

ASHRAY

It came as a surprise. I’d had a feeling over the last few weeks that Sakshi was avoiding me, and when we were together, she seemed a little distant. Rishi convinced me that it was just the honeymoon phase coming to an end.

‘Your relationship is just settling into a normal pattern now, Ashray. Try to relax,’ Rishi said as he handed me a cup of coffee from the café downstairs. ‘Soon, you will be discussing wedding plans.’ I tried to reciprocate his enthusiasm, but deep down, something felt off. I asked him at our breakfast ritual how I should approach the situation with Sakshi. He insisted I leave it; things would settle eventually. To take my mind off what I felt was my girlfriend’s strange behaviour, I ploughed into work. Although I was still new in my position, I had already far surpassed the expectations the company had from me.

But while work was thriving, my relationship seemed to be waning. I tried to squash down my feelings of inadequacy, telling myself I was being paranoid. It was just a lull, a moment in our relationship that would make us stronger. I don’t know why, but I kept it from Maa, when she should have been the first person I went to.

Sakshi and I had made plans to meet that night and, as I opened my phone to text her, I told myself tonight would be different.

‘Pick you up at 8?’

Her response was almost immediate.