‘I know’—such a strange thing to answer when someone tells you they love you, but that’s what she had said. She didn’t fight for me, didn’t care enough to show her parents that I was not garbage to be discarded. How dare she play with my heart the way she had?

‘How dare she?’ I shouted.

‘Are you all right there, beta?’ An old man approached me, hands outstretched. I wanted to escape; from the pain, from my failure and from my mind, which would not stop tormenting me with the could-have-been, if Sakshi had fought for me. And now, I was pushing away the one person who had never turned her back on me, the woman who did fight for me. Guilt rose thick and heavy in my throat as I thought of Maa’s face when I left the house. I turned on my heels and ran home, irrational fear gripping me. I was sure that I would return and the locks would be changed. Abandoned and discarded because of my actions. When I got back, the door was unlocked, and Maa had retreated to bed. I knocked on her door, tentatively, but she did not answer. I found a pen and paper, scribbled a note that I knew would provoke comments on my handwriting, and propped it up on the kitchen counter.

Wake me if you are up before me. I am sorry, Maa.

Collapsing in bed, I hoped that the loop circling in my
head would be broken, played out. I needed to sleep, needed
to rid my thoughts of Sakshi, but it was impossible while
my mind fought back. I opened my bedroom window wide, begging the noises of the city to distract me from the insanity my mind forced me into. The day ended the same way it began, with a dull ache in my chest and the heaviness of dreams shattered.

The sound of traffic stirred me from my sleep. The first light of day teasing me out of my rest, I rolled over to check the time. Eight hours, that was more sleep than I had had since … I stopped myself from starting the day with thoughts of her. In the kitchen, Maa was making tea. I walked up to her, ready to be apologetic.

‘Morning, Maa.’ I reached over to kiss her on the forehead the same way I had done since I was tall enough to. Sad eyes looked back at me, and I couldn’t hold back the flood. Tears that had been building for weeks flowed freely, like they were bursting through the wall of a dam. ‘I’m sorry,’ I managed, before laying my head on her shoulder, unashamed of my tears.