One thing is certain though. One day, when I am as brave as my best friend, I will have the courage to say all of the things that have been left unspoken between us. For now, I only know how to show him with pats on the back and this new coffee-maker I got him for his apartment; but one day, not far from now, he will know how he healed me without even knowing it.

37. JHANVI

37

JHANVI

‘I’m sorry what?’ I thought I had heard him incorrectly.

‘You’re doing well, Jhanvi, I don’t think you need to come to me anymore. But if you feel yourself slipping, or if for any reason you need help, you can make an appointment. You understand that your life doesn’t revolve around your addiction anymore. You are using your affirmations, and your need to relapse is under control.’ I nodded, agreeing with what he was saying, knowing it was the truth.

‘So, that’s it then?’

‘You’re using the techniques I have taught you very effectively, and you are more present and less concerned with what others think of you.’ It was true; seeing Ashray falling apart, experiencing his pain first-hand, was the wakeup call I’d needed. Moving him through to the mirror and watching the profound impact acknowledging himself had on his well-being was enough to convince me that what the doctor had taught me worked.

Dr Shyam was right, it was time. My relationship with my mom and dad was great, they had even agreed to fly down for a weekend so that I could show them some of my favourite places in Mumbai. Kavya, under my instruction, had squeezed my schedule and, with a little bit of work, we were able to make sure that I no longer needed to work afterhours. No more club appearances, that wasn’t the image I wanted to portray anymore. I wanted to be me, and those who wanted to follow were welcome to; those who didn’t were free to walk their own path. I couldn’t afford a relapse; didn’t want to live through the hell I had lived through trying to wean myself off the highs that almost killed me. I understood that control was a farce, a mirage used by others to give the impression of perfection.

‘Your friendship with Ashray has done you good. I’m happy that something positive has come from our sessions.’ I stood up from the couch, taking in his room one last time before stretching out my hand to say goodbye. In the reception area, Ashray sat with his file of papers. I had learned a while back that they were portfolios for prospective clients. Lifting my hand to wave in his direction before giving the receptionist a hug, I saw the confusion on his face.