‘Where to?’ I pulled myself out of the attack long enough to give him the address. Laying back against the seat, I closed my eyes, willing my heart to slow down and my breathing to normalise. The cab stopped at the end of my street and I got out, dreading walking past the grocer where I normally picked up Maa’s free sheet. I put my head down and walked quickly past him, avoiding a conversation. I ran up the stairs of my apartment building. Without thinking, I put the key in the door and threw the door open. I tugged on my collar, desperate to free myself from the feeling of being restricted.

‘I can’t breathe. Can’t breathe!’ I screamed.

‘Ashray!’ The door flew open behind me. Rishi rushed into the apartment and grabbed my arms. I stuck my hand in my trouser pocket, fishing for my pills. Rishi took them from me and opened the bottle while I held my throat, gasping for breath. He handed me one; I swallowed hard, counting the seconds until they would work.

‘I don’t want to be here,’ I turned to him and said. ‘Take me away, please Rishi.’ While I was in this space, I couldn’t focus, couldn’t heal.

‘Okay, buddy, just hold on.’ He ran to my room and, grabbing as many clothes as he could, he threw them into a suitcase.

‘Let’s go,’ he said, grabbing my keys and bag. My breathing began to calm as we walked outside, and by the time we were a block away from the apartment, I felt the pressure in my chest subside.

‘I don’t want to go back there,’ I said to him as we walked along the crowded street.

‘We’ll make arrangements to get everything boxed and taken over to the new place this weekend,’ he said. It was the first time I had ever seen him serious. ‘Until then, you can stay at my place, and Vihaan is happy for you to take some time off if you can keep your current clients happy from home.’

‘Thank you,’ I said, not wanting to make eye contact with him. Afraid that he would see the weakness in my eyes. I needed to make arrangements for Maa, needed to see the psychiatrist so that these attacks could stop. The bus ride to Rishi’s apartment was silent. I couldn’t speak; terrified that opening my mouth would set off another panic attack. I stared out of the window, focusing on the Mumbai landscape, pushing down my tears.

27. JHANVI

27

JHANVI