‘I only need to see Dr Shyam once a week from here on, so that is forty-five minutes freed up.’ She looked at me suspiciously, not prepared to budge. She had become an immovable hindrance in my pursuit of perfection, and I didn’t know whether I loved her or hated her for it. I didn’t share my withdrawal pains with Kavya, nor did I let her know that there were moments where I felt that my skin was on fire and the only thing that could, or would, put it out was one of the objects I used for my own personal high. Distraction wasn’t working, affirmations seemed to occasionally. But the burn was intense, and it did not seem like the fire would be suffocated any other way.

‘Your mom called again as well,’ she said, holding my phone up for me to see the three missed calls. I rolled my eyes. ‘Jhanvi, phone them please, and have a real conversation with them. They are worried about you.’ I took my phone, promising to call them in the morning after some rest.

How was I supposed to rest, heal, if everyone wanted a piece of me? I felt like I was being pulled in too many directions again and I didn’t like it. Didn’t like the feeling of what little control I had left in my life being stripped away from me. I closed my bedroom door behind me, telling Kavya I was tired. I wasn’t lying, I felt exhausted, and I didn’t know why. Perhaps it was the constant fight against my own body; it felt as if my soul was tired. Lying down on the bed, I fell asleep quickly. Avoiding my emotions right now just seemed easier than tackling them head-on. A little sleep never hurt anyone. Besides, not enough sleep was what had caused all of my issues before.

‘Jhanvi?’ Kavya knocked on my door, waking me from my sleep. ‘Your appointment with Dr Shyam is in two hours,’ she said tentatively.

‘I’ll reschedule,’ I said, rolling over so that I didn’t have to look at her.

‘Are you okay?’

‘I don’t feel well,’ I said, trying to sound convincing. The truth was I felt fine, physically at least. Mentally, I was exhausted from trying to find out what was happening with my social media account, from having to plaster a smile on my face all the time, pretending that everything was fine. Her hand brushed my hair from my face. ‘Kavya, please, just let me be for a bit, okay? Everyone complains I work too much, and now that I am taking a break, everyone expects me to get up and be busy.’

‘I don’t expect that of you, Jhanvi, I’m just concerned.’