Chapters (95)
- Front Cover
- Title Page
- Copyright
- Contents
- Video #1
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Video #2
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Video #3
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Eighty-One
- Eighty-Two
- Eighty-Three
- The Final Video
- Acknowledgments
- About the Author
- Back Cover
We held each other afterward and talked. I’d never been happier to be with Chloe, to know my first time was with her. But I also silently cursed myself for not being in the moment and looked forward to the next time, hoping we would finally get it right. That it would feel as good as it was supposed to.
But the next time never came.
It was tough to find a place to be alone. Dad never went out at night or on weekends. Olivia came and went with the unpredictability of an earthquake. Chloe’s mom worked at home, so she was always at their house.
And trying again—after how unsatisfying the first time had been—in a car or on a blanket in the woods in the dark seemed to be setting us up for failure.
I told myself not to push, not to be the guy who insisted. I wanted it—I really did—but I didn’t want it more than I wanted Chloe to be happy.
And then about ten days after we tried the first time, Chloe started acting distant. Distracted. And by the time homecoming rolled around, our sex life—even without the actual sex—had cooled considerably. Which is why I looked forward to the dance, thinking we could try again. Or just be with each other the way we had before.
But clearly that didn’t happen.
Not even close.
When I finish talking, Ron is staring straight ahead. He steeples his fingers and rests them against his chin. “There’s nothing unusual about your experience, Hunter,” he says.
“Really?”
“Really. You’re right to say the first time is never quite the fireworks-filled extravaganza we hope it will be. The movies do get that wrong. Over and over.”
“Maybe I’ll write a book someday that shows the reality,” I say.
“Maybe people don’t want to see that.” He laughs a little. “And, sadly, because of the society we live in, it is different for a young woman than a young man. Maybe Chloe was contemplating what it all meant. Maybe she was reconsidering. Maybe she was speaking to a friend or her mother about it.”
“I don’t think she’d talk to her mom that way.”
“I don’t know her mother.” He gets an impish look in his eye. “But she gave a lovely speech at the vigil.”
I appreciate his attempt to make a joke.
“Yeah,” I say. “She practically handed me a cigarette and a blindfold.”
“You say Chloe hadn’t been acting like herself in the days leading up to her disappearance. I have to admit, I hadn’t noticed anything unusual about her. She seemed like her typical capable and confident self.”
“Really?”
“I don’t know her the way you do, of course,” he says. “She’s a student, not a friend.”