‘I’m not loving huffing and puffing up this hill,’ Ali pants. ‘This cozzie is going right up my arse.’

‘It’s a lovely walk,’ I tell her. ‘It’s just easier in flats.’

‘Never met a flat I liked,’ she tells me, as if I don’t already know. ‘Oh, this is cute.’

She pauses to catch her breath and admire the archways.

‘It must be nice, to be here with someone you love.’

‘Are you saying you don’t love me, bitch?’ she jokes.

‘I love you more than anyone,’ I tell her.

‘Ciao,’ a male voice says, snapping us from our conversation.

I jump out of my skin. This is the first time I’ve crossed paths with anyone on this path.

‘Oh, hello,’ I say.

‘Ciao,’ he says again, but he’s only looking at Ali. I’m used to this though – Ali commands the attention of men wherever she goes.

Ali smiles, but doesn’t say anything. This is a strategic move that never fails her. Men want her anyway, but they want her even more if she acts as if she isn’t interested.

The man is tall with olive skin – he’s definitely Italian. His glossy jet-black hair is slicked back, and he’s wearing a black shirt, which is a telltale sign that he works here. There is something undeniably attractive about the Italian accent. He could be saying anything and I’d be swooning – even just repeatedly saying ‘ciao’ with his jaw on the floor as he gawps at my friend.

‘Is everything okay?’ I ask, to try and move things along.

‘Sì,’ he says. ‘I deliver champagne to one of the other couples.’

Ergh, that will be Daniel and Eva – wait, does he think that Ali and I are a couple?

‘Oh—ʼ I start, but Ali doesn’t let me finish.

‘Lovely,’ she says. ‘We might have to do the same, right, babes?’

Is she talking to me?

‘Erm, right,’ I say.

The man, a bizarre combination of dejected and excited, heads back down the hill in his cart.

‘Did you just make out like we were a couple?’ I ask her.

‘Yeah,’ she replies casually. ‘He works here. I’m not gonna shag someone who works here.’

‘Newsflash, babe,’ I start mockingly. ‘This is Valentine Island. The clue is in the title: everyone is already in love. So when you’re climbing the walls in a couple of days, you won’t be so fussy.’

‘I’ll be fine, so long as you still have Barry.’

‘Barry?’ I ask.

‘Yeah, you know, the stowaway in your suitcase…’

She wiggles her eyebrows.

‘Oh, God, that thing? I threw it in the sea.’

‘You threw it in the sea?’

‘Well, no, I didn’t throw it in the sea – I was worried a dolphin might choke on it.’

‘Not if it knows what it’s doing,’ she jokes.

‘Oi, come on,’ I say, laughing as I take her by the hand and drag her the last bit of the way to the villa.

I watch as she looks back at the hotel employee – who is absolutely staring at her arse. She gives him a seductive little wave over her shoulder. Ali is truly a master. I could learn so much from her, were it not for my complete lack of confidence.