It’s an informal competition with no prizes, but couples in first, second and third place receive thirty, twenty and ten points respectively. In this competition, no one cares about a prize, because there is no prize greater than wiping the smile off the faces of people you don’t like. I am determined to win this competition – and the real Mr & Mrs Valentine Island – and show Daniel once and for all that I don’t need him, that I’m a better version of myself without him (and if that could be true, that would be great).

‘Okay, next we have round three,’ Max announces. ‘In this game the men need to take off their shirts.’

‘What?’ Daniel says. ‘No way.’

Freddie takes his off without thinking twice, which angers Daniel further.

‘We don’t all take our clothes off for a living,’ Daniel points out in a blatant swipe at Freddie.

‘He’s an actor, not a stripper,’ I remind him, amazed at how quickly I jump to Freddie’s defence without thinking.

‘So, the boys take off their tops and the women put on lipstick and they have to kiss the man all over the torso. To win, you need the most kisses when the time is up.’

‘It’s a shame Max and I can’t compete properly,’ Ali says. The pair of them have to sit out of any rounds that need a judge, a timer, a quiz master, etc. ‘I’ve been training my whole life for this.’

Phillip approaches Ali and speaks under his breath.

‘Annie isn’t feeling very well,’ he says. ‘I’m going to take her home.’

‘No worries,’ Ali replies. ‘It was nice to meet you both.’

From the look on Annie’s face, I don’t think she feels the same.

‘Okay, so, just the three couples competing in this one,’ Ali says, handing a lipstick to me, Eva and Rosa.

‘Black,’ Eva announces, by way of a complaint about the colour of lipstick she’s been given.

‘To match her heart,’ Ali tells me quietly, handing me a sexy shade of rouge.

‘This is debasing,’ Daniel says.

‘You don’t have to join in,’ Ali reminds him. ‘We did tell you, adventurous couples only.’

‘Fine,’ Daniel says, taking his shirt off. ‘But I’m not happy about it.’

Daniel is a skinny, slightly toned kind of fit. He’s so white, apart from where he’s bright red with sunburn. Gunnar is your typical large, Viking-esque Icelandic build with the kind of tan you’d expect from someone who works here all year round. Freddie has a movie-star body, with sun-kissed skin and perfectly defined muscles – the kind you don’t actually think exists in real life. All three men have completely different bodies, and I wonder which one will be an advantage in this competition.

Eva, Rosa and I load up on lipstick. I keep mine in my hand, so that I can top it up if this coat starts wearing off.

‘God, I am so jealous right now,’ Ali says. ‘Okay, on your marks… get set… kiss.’