BooksBarbecue
Back Again, Rachel
Chapters (98)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. Epigraph
  4. 1
  5. 2
  6. 3
  7. 4
  8. 5
  9. 6
  10. 7
  11. 8
  12. 9
  13. 10
  14. 11
  15. 12
  16. 13
  17. 14
  18. 15
  19. 16
  20. 17
  21. 18
  22. 19
  23. 20
  24. 21
  25. 22
  26. 23
  27. 24
  28. 25
  29. 26
  30. 27
  31. 28
  32. 29
  33. 30
  34. 31
  35. 32
  36. 33
  37. 34
  38. 35
  39. 36
  40. 37
  41. 38
  42. 39
  43. 40
  44. 41
  45. 42
  46. 43
  47. 44
  48. 45
  49. 46
  50. 47
  51. 48
  52. 49
  53. 50
  54. 51
  55. 52
  56. 53
  57. 54
  58. 55
  59. 56
  60. 57
  61. 58
  62. 59
  63. 60
  64. 61
  65. 62
  66. 63
  67. 64
  68. 65
  69. 66
  70. 67
  71. 68
  72. 69
  73. 70
  74. 71
  75. 72
  76. 73
  77. 74
  78. 75
  79. 76
  80. 77
  81. 78
  82. 79
  83. 80
  84. 81
  85. 82
  86. 83
  87. 84
  88. 85
  89. 86
  90. 87
  91. 88
  92. 89
  93. 90
  94. 91
  95. 92
  96. 93
  97. 94
  98. Acknowledgements

‘It was my fault,’ I said. ‘You leaving—it was all my fault. But it’s only in the last day or so that I’ve seen it. I honestly thought that because a doctor had prescribed the pills, they were legitimate.’

He was still and focused, listening intently.

‘I knew the facts. I did, Luke. But the picture they formed wasn’t a problem: my baby had died and I couldn’t sleep. I thought it was a temporary thing, taking the tablets. That I’d stop when the loss got more bearable. I genuinely thought it was a choice…it sounds mad but I never saw it as a relapse.’

‘Ahhh, okay, just give me a—’ He took a breath. Then another. ‘I’ve spent so long waiting to hear this and now I don’t know what to say…Okay, answer this—why did you think I left you?’

‘I thought you blamed me for Yara.’

‘How could you—’

‘Because I blamed me, Luke.’

‘God. Okay.’ A long pause followed. ‘Thing is,’ he eventually said, ‘I’m sorry, too. I was too hard on you. When I left I was so angry and like, hurt, that you’d choose drugs over me. But I’d forgotten how powerful addiction is. After I’d been gone—a year? More?—long enough to get some distance on it I started wondering, if I hadn’t been such a mess over Yara would I have handled things differently?’

Oh?

‘My first couple of years in Denver, I was drinking too much. Then it stopped working, I couldn’t get any relief. There was one night, I remember thinking, I’d give anything to make this stop. I should have got it then—how it had been for you. You were in agony, there was something that eased it and you took it.’

‘No. You’re being too nice. And I believe you about Mia—’

‘I’d never have done that. You know what I was like. So, I dunno, square.’

‘ “Steady”, I was going to say, Luke. Or “loyal”. You were a decent man.’ My heart felt swollen and sore. ‘I’m sorry, Luke, we were happy and I ruined it.’

‘But our baby still died.’ Gently, he shook his head. ‘Nothing could fix that.’

‘Maybe we could have got past it? People do.’ I stopped because thinking that way wasn’t helpful.

Again, he shook his head. ‘You’ve got to play them as they lay.’

After several long moments of silence, Luke asked, ‘How are you now? Right now?’

‘Still in shock, I think. I swear to God, during all this time, I never thought I’d been in the wrong. Before your mum’s funeral, my life was good. Now it’s been upended, you know? It’s confusing to feel heartbroken about a time that I’ve already got over.’

He nodded.