BooksBarbecue
Back Again, Rachel
Chapters (98)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. Epigraph
  4. 1
  5. 2
  6. 3
  7. 4
  8. 5
  9. 6
  10. 7
  11. 8
  12. 9
  13. 10
  14. 11
  15. 12
  16. 13
  17. 14
  18. 15
  19. 16
  20. 17
  21. 18
  22. 19
  23. 20
  24. 21
  25. 22
  26. 23
  27. 24
  28. 25
  29. 26
  30. 27
  31. 28
  32. 29
  33. 30
  34. 31
  35. 32
  36. 33
  37. 34
  38. 35
  39. 36
  40. 37
  41. 38
  42. 39
  43. 40
  44. 41
  45. 42
  46. 43
  47. 44
  48. 45
  49. 46
  50. 47
  51. 48
  52. 49
  53. 50
  54. 51
  55. 52
  56. 53
  57. 54
  58. 55
  59. 56
  60. 57
  61. 58
  62. 59
  63. 60
  64. 61
  65. 62
  66. 63
  67. 64
  68. 65
  69. 66
  70. 67
  71. 68
  72. 69
  73. 70
  74. 71
  75. 72
  76. 73
  77. 74
  78. 75
  79. 76
  80. 77
  81. 78
  82. 79
  83. 80
  84. 81
  85. 82
  86. 83
  87. 84
  88. 85
  89. 86
  90. 87
  91. 88
  92. 89
  93. 90
  94. 91
  95. 92
  96. 93
  97. 94
  98. Acknowledgements

The soft wool around my neck was a comfort. ‘Is this a Tibetan prayer shawl?’

‘It is not, they’re only cheap muslin. That’s your finest lambswool from Takashimaya in Osaka. So tell me what’s going on, pet? A rough idea.’

‘Is Quin breaking up with me?’ I asked.

‘Park Quin for the minute. You’ve hurt him, he needs time. Meanwhile, you’ve bigger things to think about.’

‘Like…?’

‘Rachel…’

‘So.’ I took a breath. ‘I think…after Yara died I—I…’ It was so painful to say the word. ‘…relapsed.’

Nola nodded, not even remotely surprised.

Then, neither was I. ‘Of course you knew.’

‘How could I not, pet? How many times did poor Luke ring me that winter? Asking me to talk sense to you? Dozens. And you insisting he was punishing you for letting your little girl die—’

‘—I thought he did blame me.’

‘A terrible thing happened to you, but it doesn’t mean you didn’t relapse.’

‘Nola, I didn’t know. I was in such pain and I couldn’t sleep and I needed to and…I took sleeping pills. More than I should have.’ Fuck. ‘I lied to doctors. To Luke. To you, Nola. To Claire and Anna and Olga Mae.’

‘And yourself, while we’re about it.’

Oh God. For six years I’d had my version of how things had played out and I’d been wrong.

‘Nola, I’ve been back in Ireland for years, why didn’t you say it before now?’

She laughed sadly. ‘Every time I broached it, you reminded me that your baby had died. That’s where we always got stuck. Rachel, what you went through with Yara would break anyone’s heart but you used it to justify your capers.’ Gently, she said, ‘How often did I tell you that you and Luke needed to talk?’

‘And I told you he’d blocked me on everything and I’d no address for him.’

‘So I told you to Golden Key it. It took six years but Luke is here, you’re talking to each other and you’re finally facing the truth. I’ve a question for you,’ she said. ‘Why don’t you mark your NA anniversary?’

‘Because the important thing is to stay clean today.’

‘Baloney. You used to love the cake, the medallion, all the fuss. After you relapsed you stopped. Because despite all the lies you were telling yourself, you knew that your original date twenty years ago no longer counted.’