BooksBarbecue
Back Again, Rachel
Chapters (98)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. Epigraph
  4. 1
  5. 2
  6. 3
  7. 4
  8. 5
  9. 6
  10. 7
  11. 8
  12. 9
  13. 10
  14. 11
  15. 12
  16. 13
  17. 14
  18. 15
  19. 16
  20. 17
  21. 18
  22. 19
  23. 20
  24. 21
  25. 22
  26. 23
  27. 24
  28. 25
  29. 26
  30. 27
  31. 28
  32. 29
  33. 30
  34. 31
  35. 32
  36. 33
  37. 34
  38. 35
  39. 36
  40. 37
  41. 38
  42. 39
  43. 40
  44. 41
  45. 42
  46. 43
  47. 44
  48. 45
  49. 46
  50. 47
  51. 48
  52. 49
  53. 50
  54. 51
  55. 52
  56. 53
  57. 54
  58. 55
  59. 56
  60. 57
  61. 58
  62. 59
  63. 60
  64. 61
  65. 62
  66. 63
  67. 64
  68. 65
  69. 66
  70. 67
  71. 68
  72. 69
  73. 70
  74. 71
  75. 72
  76. 73
  77. 74
  78. 75
  79. 76
  80. 77
  81. 78
  82. 79
  83. 80
  84. 81
  85. 82
  86. 83
  87. 84
  88. 85
  89. 86
  90. 87
  91. 88
  92. 89
  93. 90
  94. 91
  95. 92
  96. 93
  97. 94
  98. Acknowledgements

In Sarina’s sitting room, I sat on an armchair, my body folding in on itself, getting as far away from Luke as possible. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. ‘Sorry.’ My voice was thick. ‘I’m really sorry.’

‘I’m sorry too. I’d never have brought you in here if I’d known about the photo.’ He was on the edge of the couch, leaning far forward, right into my space, but he didn’t touch me.

I just needed to stop crying, then I could leave.

‘Stay there,’ he said. ‘Don’t move.’ He sprang upright, left the room and moments later returned, tearing sheets off a roll of paper towel.

I pressed them to my salty skin.

‘I wish I could cry,’ he said.

I met his eyes. ‘I wish I could stop.’

We both managed a weak laugh and I dropped my gaze.

‘Rachel?’ His tone made me look up. ‘Just because I’m not crying doesn’t mean that I don’t feel it.’

‘I didn’t. I don’t think that.’

‘You probably think that I…I know you must hate me.’

Startled, I said, ‘Well. I mean…’

‘You have to know that losing her changed me forever.’ Suddenly there he was—the man I used to know, in pain but recognizable. ‘I had no say in any of it. I was powerless.’

‘Oh…’

‘Please believe me.’ His look was deadly earnest and the hairs on the back of my neck prickled. This, I suddenly understood, was his apology, the one I’d waited six years for. There was sincerity in his eyes—and guilt. ‘If things could have been different…’ He stopped and began again. ‘I wish I could have been different.’

The longed-for admission of remorse hadn’t gone anything like my wildest fantasies, but he’d given me a credible reason for why he’d stopped loving me.

‘I’ve often wondered…’ he said. ‘You know how it—’

But something was going on outside the window, something that couldn’t be ignored. ‘Luke. Hold on a…’ I hurried to shift the sheer curtains. ‘It’s a rainbow! Come here.’

I turned to him. ‘Rainbows are her. I see them at important times in my life—I know it sounds mad but that’s her, she’s here.’

‘Are you serious?’ He sounded surprised. Wrong-footed, almost.

‘Totally.’

He frowned. ‘So, you don’t—’

A gentle knock sounded on the door, then immediately it was opened by—no surprise—Kallie. ‘Guys!’ she declared. ‘Just checking you’re both okay.’

Luke had already put several feet of empty space between us. ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘We’re fine.’

Kallie grasped my shoulders. ‘Fathers-in-law, right! Believe me, Brian is one of the good guys, he just never knows where the line is.’

Flustered, I nodded.