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Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for the previous work of
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 24 April 2018
  6. Part 1: Subject
  7. 15 June 1968
  8. 20 June 1968
  9. July 1968
  10. 2 February 2018
  11. Part 2: Light
  12. 20 November 1970
  13. 20 November 1970
  14. 21 November 1970
  15. November 1970
  16. 19 February 2018
  17. Part 3: Focus
  18. 15 April 1977
  19. 18 April 1977
  20. 15 May 1977
  21. July 1977
  22. 26 February 2018
  23. 8 March 2018
  24. 8 March 2018
  25. Part 4: Distance
  26. 15 May 1979
  27. 15 May 1979
  28. 16 May 1979
  29. June 1979
  30. 29 March 2018
  31. 29 March 2018
  32. 27 March 2018
  33. Part 5: Movement
  34. 18 October 1981
  35. 10 April 2018
  36. 18 October 1981
  37. 10 April 2018
  38. 18 October 1981
  39. 10 April 2018
  40. 18 October 1981
  41. 10 April 2018
  42. 10 April 2018
  43. 18 October 1981
  44. 10 April 2018
  45. October 1981
  46. Part 6: Exposure
  47. July 1984
  48. 5 September 1984
  49. 24 April 2018
  50. 25 April 2018
  51. Part 7: Developing
  52. 26 April 2018
  53. Vee, in the lost place, 1984
  54. 26 April 2018
  55. Epilogue
  56. 5 February 2019
  57. Author’s Note
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Letter from Author
  60. Stephanie Butland’s Readers’ Club
  61. For your Reading Group
  62. For discussion
  63. Select bibliography
  64. About the author
  65. Also by Stephanie Butland

Vee looks away, thinking of how she’s worked to make her voice neutral, and how it’s been a month since she last drove out to Colchester, probably the longest time she’s ever not seen her dad. And she’s only really here because she needs something. She had meant to come three weeks ago but it was the weekend after Abigail’s Party, and Leonie had needed a lot of attention. Then, at 4 a.m., while Vee was aching with tiredness and Leonie was pouring another glass of Beaujolais, Vee had realised that what they both needed, really, was for Vee to move out. They were becoming – what was the word Kiki used to describe Jo and Bernard? – co-dependent. The next morning, long before Leonie would wake, Vee had been to see an estate agent. She’d had the presence of mind to bring a bank statement, so they did take her seriously. Now she’s seen a place, near the river in Battersea, which apparently is ‘up-and-coming’. Vee doesn’t really care whether it is or not. She has the knack of not being noticed, so her chances of getting home in one piece are pretty good. And if she can afford to buy the tiny mews house she’s seen, she’s not going to be able to do it up for a while, so it’s not going to look like much of a prospect to burglars. It’s been empty for eight months. It could be hers by the end of summer.

She’s more or less made up her mind to it. She just needs one thing.

‘OK.’ She puts the bowls down, and sits. Her father’s repertoire is limited, in shopping, as well as in cooking, so they have the same meals, over and over. Tinned peaches and custard on Sundays always makes her feel like a child again. She’s been eating it most Sundays for as long as she can remember. (Except in summer, when it’s fruit from the allotment, and evaporated milk.) The question she’s about to ask seems absurd, given that being here makes her feel eleven years old, inside. Still, if there’s one thing she’s learned from Leonie, it’s that if you don’t ask, you don’t get. And you’re entitled to ask. ‘Dad, I need a favour.’

‘Of course, Veronica.’ It’s painful, to see how his face lights at the prospect. Vee knows that he’s lonely, without her at home, even though he fills his days well enough, ‘What do you need, treasure?’