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Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for the previous work of
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 24 April 2018
  6. Part 1: Subject
  7. 15 June 1968
  8. 20 June 1968
  9. July 1968
  10. 2 February 2018
  11. Part 2: Light
  12. 20 November 1970
  13. 20 November 1970
  14. 21 November 1970
  15. November 1970
  16. 19 February 2018
  17. Part 3: Focus
  18. 15 April 1977
  19. 18 April 1977
  20. 15 May 1977
  21. July 1977
  22. 26 February 2018
  23. 8 March 2018
  24. 8 March 2018
  25. Part 4: Distance
  26. 15 May 1979
  27. 15 May 1979
  28. 16 May 1979
  29. June 1979
  30. 29 March 2018
  31. 29 March 2018
  32. 27 March 2018
  33. Part 5: Movement
  34. 18 October 1981
  35. 10 April 2018
  36. 18 October 1981
  37. 10 April 2018
  38. 18 October 1981
  39. 10 April 2018
  40. 18 October 1981
  41. 10 April 2018
  42. 10 April 2018
  43. 18 October 1981
  44. 10 April 2018
  45. October 1981
  46. Part 6: Exposure
  47. July 1984
  48. 5 September 1984
  49. 24 April 2018
  50. 25 April 2018
  51. Part 7: Developing
  52. 26 April 2018
  53. Vee, in the lost place, 1984
  54. 26 April 2018
  55. Epilogue
  56. 5 February 2019
  57. Author’s Note
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Letter from Author
  60. Stephanie Butland’s Readers’ Club
  61. For your Reading Group
  62. For discussion
  63. Select bibliography
  64. About the author
  65. Also by Stephanie Butland

Vee is just getting into the car when Barry rounds the corner of the street. Even though it’s three months since she called off their engagement, her body doesn’t always remember, and she feels a little lurch of familiarity when she sees him, followed by another, of regret. Not that she wants him back. It’s just that she’s sorry.

Barry hadn’t taken it well.

Vee had assumed he would have seen it coming. She’d been putting off setting a date for the wedding for two years. Her excuses were getting thinner and thinner, even to her own ears. First, she had said she wanted to wait until she got her business established. Her friends used her for their weddings, but couples she didn’t know often seemed puzzled by her – ‘So, who actually takes the photos?’ – as she showed her portfolio. ‘I do,’ she would reply, and she would smile and hope for the work, and think of how Leonie would tell her off for reinforcing old ideas about women. ‘What would Leonie think?’ has become a guiding principle of her life, in the two and a half years since they met.

Building her business bought her some time. Then Barry was promoted, and she said she didn’t want him to be worrying about helping her with planning a wedding while he was getting on with his new job. He’d looked puzzled, said he’d assumed she would do most of the planning, and then quickly added that he knew she was all for women’s lib so actually he would like to be involved. She’d felt terrible.

In March, when he had brought it up again, she had almost said that she had changed her mind. But she hadn’t changed it enough to be sure, and she was always sure that she did love Barry. Maybe not enough; maybe not in the right way. But she wasn’t certain enough to say she didn’t want to marry him. She’d got used to wearing her engagement ring, too; it kept a lot of pests away when she was working on her own. There was a tender circlet of white skin at the base of her finger when she took it off at night.

After another summer of watching brides and grooms, the looks on their faces and their steadfast conviction that they had chosen right for their whole lives, Vee was sure that she wasn’t going to marry Barry. She wasn’t sure how she would tell him, or tell her dad, who called Barry ‘son’ and had bought him a season ticket for the football. She was going to have to choose her moment.

But then the moment chose itself.