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Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for the previous work of
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 24 April 2018
  6. Part 1: Subject
  7. 15 June 1968
  8. 20 June 1968
  9. July 1968
  10. 2 February 2018
  11. Part 2: Light
  12. 20 November 1970
  13. 20 November 1970
  14. 21 November 1970
  15. November 1970
  16. 19 February 2018
  17. Part 3: Focus
  18. 15 April 1977
  19. 18 April 1977
  20. 15 May 1977
  21. July 1977
  22. 26 February 2018
  23. 8 March 2018
  24. 8 March 2018
  25. Part 4: Distance
  26. 15 May 1979
  27. 15 May 1979
  28. 16 May 1979
  29. June 1979
  30. 29 March 2018
  31. 29 March 2018
  32. 27 March 2018
  33. Part 5: Movement
  34. 18 October 1981
  35. 10 April 2018
  36. 18 October 1981
  37. 10 April 2018
  38. 18 October 1981
  39. 10 April 2018
  40. 18 October 1981
  41. 10 April 2018
  42. 10 April 2018
  43. 18 October 1981
  44. 10 April 2018
  45. October 1981
  46. Part 6: Exposure
  47. July 1984
  48. 5 September 1984
  49. 24 April 2018
  50. 25 April 2018
  51. Part 7: Developing
  52. 26 April 2018
  53. Vee, in the lost place, 1984
  54. 26 April 2018
  55. Epilogue
  56. 5 February 2019
  57. Author’s Note
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Letter from Author
  60. Stephanie Butland’s Readers’ Club
  61. For your Reading Group
  62. For discussion
  63. Select bibliography
  64. About the author
  65. Also by Stephanie Butland

‘I didn’t know that. My mother never really talked about her much. Or you. Well, not in a . . .’ she looks sideways at Vee, measuring, decides it’s OK to say it, ‘. . . she wasn’t kind about you.’

‘That’s understandable.’ It all seems a long way away, now. Until Vee lets herself think about Leonie, properly, and then it’s as immediate as the ache of the stitched flesh around a two-day wound. ‘Truth be told, your mother and I never had a lot of time for each other. Even before.’ What Vee remembers most about Ursula Woodhouse is the way that she smelled of flowers, wore pastel colours, as though she was trying to be all of the feminine that she thought Leonie was not. Though she could fight her corner as well as Leonie. Ursula and Vee could never, ever find anything to talk about. Even before it all went to hell. Vee puts her hands to her head. Her temples feel tender to the touch.

‘I didn’t know that.’ Erica’s tone tells Vee nothing about whether she wants to hear more. The noise in the gallery is growing, or maybe being amplified by the headache. Vee has painkillers in her bag, but no water to take them with. It’s probably too late for them to stop it now. Though there hasn’t been a headache as bad as this one threatens to be in years.

‘Ursula had a low opinion of most of Leonie’s friends.’

Erica laughs, something sour running beneath it. ‘It was hard to square what my mother was like with what I knew about my aunt Leonie. It always seemed odd, that two sisters could be so different. I used to think of them as the feminist and the anti-feminist. But later’ – Erica runs her hand through her hair, her fingers tracking from her forehead to the top of her spine – ‘I realised my mother wasn’t really anti-feminist. She was . . . I think she was anti-uncertainty. She didn’t like anything that made life unclear.’

‘No wonder she was so uptight,’ Vee says – it’s out before she can stop it, but she puts her hand to her mouth all the same – stable door. ‘Erica, I’m sorry. To me, your mother is someone very . . .’ oh, where are the words? ‘Very abstract. We hardly saw each other. We didn’t have much in common. I forgot that’s not the same for you.’

‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘It does. She was your mother.’

‘She couldn’t have done more for me,’ Erica says.

‘Neither could my mother.’ Vee feels Erica’s body tilt towards her, ever so slightly, and tilts her own away by the same degree.