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Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for the previous work of
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 24 April 2018
  6. Part 1: Subject
  7. 15 June 1968
  8. 20 June 1968
  9. July 1968
  10. 2 February 2018
  11. Part 2: Light
  12. 20 November 1970
  13. 20 November 1970
  14. 21 November 1970
  15. November 1970
  16. 19 February 2018
  17. Part 3: Focus
  18. 15 April 1977
  19. 18 April 1977
  20. 15 May 1977
  21. July 1977
  22. 26 February 2018
  23. 8 March 2018
  24. 8 March 2018
  25. Part 4: Distance
  26. 15 May 1979
  27. 15 May 1979
  28. 16 May 1979
  29. June 1979
  30. 29 March 2018
  31. 29 March 2018
  32. 27 March 2018
  33. Part 5: Movement
  34. 18 October 1981
  35. 10 April 2018
  36. 18 October 1981
  37. 10 April 2018
  38. 18 October 1981
  39. 10 April 2018
  40. 18 October 1981
  41. 10 April 2018
  42. 10 April 2018
  43. 18 October 1981
  44. 10 April 2018
  45. October 1981
  46. Part 6: Exposure
  47. July 1984
  48. 5 September 1984
  49. 24 April 2018
  50. 25 April 2018
  51. Part 7: Developing
  52. 26 April 2018
  53. Vee, in the lost place, 1984
  54. 26 April 2018
  55. Epilogue
  56. 5 February 2019
  57. Author’s Note
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Letter from Author
  60. Stephanie Butland’s Readers’ Club
  61. For your Reading Group
  62. For discussion
  63. Select bibliography
  64. About the author
  65. Also by Stephanie Butland

‘Exactly,’ Erica says, ‘I don’t know what to think. I haven’t even told Marcus. Well, I haven’t told anyone. Except you.’

The lift stops, and they step out into the exhibition space. Leonie greets them, her head double life-size on a repeat of the exhibition poster. They stand and look at it for a moment. ‘Leonie had an abortion,’ Vee says, ‘and she was absolutely unapologetic about it.’

She feels Erica nod. ‘I know. But I don’t want Tom to be an only child, and I might not have a lot more chances.’

‘So why aren’t you happy?’

Erica shakes her head. ‘I don’t know. What if I don’t love Marcus?’ She looks at Vee, and Vee wishes she were not out of her depth, wishes she had something to say that is helpful or at least not unintentionally tactless. Like talking about abortions. Erica’s eyes, even tired, are as lovely and as clear as Leonie’s were.

‘I don’t know either, Erica.’ Erica seems to understand, though, that Vee would say more, give more, if she could. She puts out a hand and rests it on Vee’s arm. The touch almost hurts.

Erica straightens and says, ‘I don’t want to talk about it. I want to focus on this. So. Here we are, at the beginning.’

Vee sees her Dagenham picture blown up, the newspapers featuring it displayed below. Passes the beauty queens, still weeping, surrounded by photographs of early marches and protests. So many faces she might have known the names for, once. Portraits, of the great and the good, the forgotten who were taking their moment and the women as recognisable now as they were then. She pauses in front of Margaret Thatcher.

Erica pauses too. ‘I know it sounds weird,’ she says, ‘but I love your Thatcher photo.’

‘I wish I remembered taking it.’

‘Why that one? In particular, I mean?’

Vee smiles. ‘Because I think that might be Leonie’s scarf around her neck.’

Erica laughs, ‘Let’s say it’s true.’ They walk on, quietly. It’s strange to be in a gallery empty of other people.

And here, almost at the end, is Leonie Barratt.

Still gone. Still the most important person in her adult life. The print must be three feet by two, smaller than it is on the poster but all the more impactful for that: concentrated Leonie. It’s like seeing the Mona Lisa in all its thirty-inch-by-twenty-inch glory after all the tea towels and jigsaws. Next to it, the contact sheet. It doesn’t exactly clear Vee’s name, but at least it doesn’t confirm the worst things she was accused of: watching her friend die as though it was a blood-filled horrific spectacle that she stood by and recorded without a second thought. Only the war photographers do that. And are praised for it. Oh, to be a man with a camera.