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Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for the previous work of
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 24 April 2018
  6. Part 1: Subject
  7. 15 June 1968
  8. 20 June 1968
  9. July 1968
  10. 2 February 2018
  11. Part 2: Light
  12. 20 November 1970
  13. 20 November 1970
  14. 21 November 1970
  15. November 1970
  16. 19 February 2018
  17. Part 3: Focus
  18. 15 April 1977
  19. 18 April 1977
  20. 15 May 1977
  21. July 1977
  22. 26 February 2018
  23. 8 March 2018
  24. 8 March 2018
  25. Part 4: Distance
  26. 15 May 1979
  27. 15 May 1979
  28. 16 May 1979
  29. June 1979
  30. 29 March 2018
  31. 29 March 2018
  32. 27 March 2018
  33. Part 5: Movement
  34. 18 October 1981
  35. 10 April 2018
  36. 18 October 1981
  37. 10 April 2018
  38. 18 October 1981
  39. 10 April 2018
  40. 18 October 1981
  41. 10 April 2018
  42. 10 April 2018
  43. 18 October 1981
  44. 10 April 2018
  45. October 1981
  46. Part 6: Exposure
  47. July 1984
  48. 5 September 1984
  49. 24 April 2018
  50. 25 April 2018
  51. Part 7: Developing
  52. 26 April 2018
  53. Vee, in the lost place, 1984
  54. 26 April 2018
  55. Epilogue
  56. 5 February 2019
  57. Author’s Note
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Letter from Author
  60. Stephanie Butland’s Readers’ Club
  61. For your Reading Group
  62. For discussion
  63. Select bibliography
  64. About the author
  65. Also by Stephanie Butland

‘And so it’s—’ Vee takes another gulp of her drink. ‘Control. Yeah, control. I took photos at my little cousin’s wedding last year. Her mother was a cow to me when my mum died. I was only eight. She told me I needed to grow up. And so I cropped a little bit of her out of every photo I took. Top of her hat, end of her legs. She’d got these new shoes, went on and on about them beforehand, how pricey they were. Them shoes ain’t in one single photo of that wedding.’

Leonie laughs, a throaty half-bark, head thrown back, shoulders rising. ‘Woman, beware woman.’

‘It was nothing to do with her being a woman,’ Vee says. ‘It was because she was a cow.’

‘Well, good for you. So you like – control.’ Leonie takes a drink. ‘What else?’

‘Hiding,’ she says.

Leonie cocks an eyebrow.

‘Nobody sees the photographer. I mean, they see you, but they ain’t interested. They only really see the camera. So you’re not the centre of attention. Not if you don’t want to be.’

‘Why wouldn’t you want to be the centre of attention?’

She will never know what makes her say the next thing. Maybe it’s that she’s already mentioned her mother’s death. ‘I hated it when my mum died. There was just me and my dad. People came and they wanted to help but it was like – like the zoo. If you cried, they were all over you. If you were normal, they said you were in shock. If you made them a cup of tea you were brave and good. I couldn’t stand it.’

‘I don’t blame you,’ Leonie says. ‘When my father died and me and my sister were the same. A friend of our parents’ came to pick us up from boarding school. We barely knew him – he used to come to dinner parties, but we were always sent to bed – but he still told us that we had to pull ourselves together for our mother’s sake. We didn’t even know his name.’ And everything that’s intimidating about Leonie – the voice, the stride, the way she swears and doesn’t seem to care, the kiss, the armpit, the general lack of apology that seems stitched into her – drops away. It doesn’t matter. Vee isn’t out of her depth anymore. Because all she’s doing is sitting at a table with a woman who looks as though she might understand. Leonie sighs, smiles, drinks, and then the bravado’s back. ‘So, you have power, and you have invisibility. And you like it. And you want to use it.’

‘Yes.’

‘Welcome to feminism,’ Leonie says. ‘We need sisters like you.’