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Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for the previous work of
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 24 April 2018
  6. Part 1: Subject
  7. 15 June 1968
  8. 20 June 1968
  9. July 1968
  10. 2 February 2018
  11. Part 2: Light
  12. 20 November 1970
  13. 20 November 1970
  14. 21 November 1970
  15. November 1970
  16. 19 February 2018
  17. Part 3: Focus
  18. 15 April 1977
  19. 18 April 1977
  20. 15 May 1977
  21. July 1977
  22. 26 February 2018
  23. 8 March 2018
  24. 8 March 2018
  25. Part 4: Distance
  26. 15 May 1979
  27. 15 May 1979
  28. 16 May 1979
  29. June 1979
  30. 29 March 2018
  31. 29 March 2018
  32. 27 March 2018
  33. Part 5: Movement
  34. 18 October 1981
  35. 10 April 2018
  36. 18 October 1981
  37. 10 April 2018
  38. 18 October 1981
  39. 10 April 2018
  40. 18 October 1981
  41. 10 April 2018
  42. 10 April 2018
  43. 18 October 1981
  44. 10 April 2018
  45. October 1981
  46. Part 6: Exposure
  47. July 1984
  48. 5 September 1984
  49. 24 April 2018
  50. 25 April 2018
  51. Part 7: Developing
  52. 26 April 2018
  53. Vee, in the lost place, 1984
  54. 26 April 2018
  55. Epilogue
  56. 5 February 2019
  57. Author’s Note
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Letter from Author
  60. Stephanie Butland’s Readers’ Club
  61. For your Reading Group
  62. For discussion
  63. Select bibliography
  64. About the author
  65. Also by Stephanie Butland

‘Not much,’ Erica says, and as soon as she speaks her face finds its usual shape, chin slightly up, the slightest of tilts to the angle of her head. Vee presses the shutter. It’s not a keeper, but Erica didn’t so much as flinch at the sound of it, which is good. And Tom is looking around, half asleep still probably, but obviously used to being photographed. ‘Leonie always seemed a bit scary. I mean, she was big – she was physically big, the biggest person I knew, probably. But . . .’ She glances towards Vee, as though she is forming a question. Vee presses the shutter again, and she’s getting closer to the image she wants to take; there’s something of Leonie in the expression, but there’s Erica’s own intelligence there too, softer than her aunt’s but no less formidable.

‘But?’ Vee prompts.

‘But I used to feel she watched me all the time. Then when I looked at her, she would pretend to be doing something else.’

Vee moves to the side, and somewhere above and behind her the clouds shift and the light is brighter, warmer. Erica turns her head to Vee. ‘I suppose it was because she hated children so much.’ She kisses the top of Tom’s head, as though in apology. ‘She couldn’t be seen to be interested in one.’

‘Did you see much of her?’

‘Not really. Not that I remember. Most of my memories of her must be from the few weeks before she died. She was staying with us while she was back from America. She’d let her own flat. Years afterwards, my mother told me how much she’d missed Leonie when she was teaching in the States, so she insisted she stay with us when she came back. She said she regretted it almost straight away, because it was easier to love Leonie when she was on the other side of the world than when she was in the spare room.’

Erica tries to put Tom down, but he mews and clings. She shifts him to her other hip. He wriggles, and Erica is starting to tense up, so Vee asks, ‘Look at the sculpture?’ Erica does so, a faster move than Vee expected, and there’s the shot: a strand of hair has stuck to her lipgloss, making a dark trail on her cheek, and something about looking at the flame-forms has sharpened her attention, the muscles at the corners of her eyes contracting and her expression both focused and faraway. Vee exhales; her body remembers this feeling, the washing of her senses in relief because there it is, the shot you want, there it always is, but until you find it you are never quite sure that it’s going to show up for you this time. You might have taken your last good photograph. Except you never have.

Well, maybe this time.