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Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for the previous work of
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 24 April 2018
  6. Part 1: Subject
  7. 15 June 1968
  8. 20 June 1968
  9. July 1968
  10. 2 February 2018
  11. Part 2: Light
  12. 20 November 1970
  13. 20 November 1970
  14. 21 November 1970
  15. November 1970
  16. 19 February 2018
  17. Part 3: Focus
  18. 15 April 1977
  19. 18 April 1977
  20. 15 May 1977
  21. July 1977
  22. 26 February 2018
  23. 8 March 2018
  24. 8 March 2018
  25. Part 4: Distance
  26. 15 May 1979
  27. 15 May 1979
  28. 16 May 1979
  29. June 1979
  30. 29 March 2018
  31. 29 March 2018
  32. 27 March 2018
  33. Part 5: Movement
  34. 18 October 1981
  35. 10 April 2018
  36. 18 October 1981
  37. 10 April 2018
  38. 18 October 1981
  39. 10 April 2018
  40. 18 October 1981
  41. 10 April 2018
  42. 10 April 2018
  43. 18 October 1981
  44. 10 April 2018
  45. October 1981
  46. Part 6: Exposure
  47. July 1984
  48. 5 September 1984
  49. 24 April 2018
  50. 25 April 2018
  51. Part 7: Developing
  52. 26 April 2018
  53. Vee, in the lost place, 1984
  54. 26 April 2018
  55. Epilogue
  56. 5 February 2019
  57. Author’s Note
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Letter from Author
  60. Stephanie Butland’s Readers’ Club
  61. For your Reading Group
  62. For discussion
  63. Select bibliography
  64. About the author
  65. Also by Stephanie Butland

‘What are you going to call her?’ the midwife had asked.

‘Erica,’ Leonie said, with the sort of smile she imagined most new mothers would have on answering the question, but looking Ursula straight in the eye. The name had been the chip that she exchanged for agreeing to go along with pretending to be her sister. That gave Ursula absolute, irrefutable ownership of the kid.

‘With Bella for a middle name,’ Ursula-masquerading-as-Leonie added, in her guise of doting sister/aunt, ‘our mother’s name is Isabella. So she could go by that, if she chose to.’ Leonie suspects that Bella is also an up-yours to her, an assertion that Ursula may be grateful but she will give no ground. Because what name would gall Leonie more than ‘beauty’, when women judged by their bodies – how they look, what they can do – is everything that she has set her life up to fight against? And that’s leaving aside the ‘Ursula is the pretty one and Leonie is the clever one’ that has dogged and limited them both from the very beginning. The pretty one had been clever enough to get herself out of childlessness and Leonie out of a corner. The clever one hadn’t worked out she was pregnant until it was too late to do anything about it.

Leonie was tired and thoroughly sick of her aching, leaking body. Her breasts were bound, and she had stitches in her perineum, and piles. She’d like to think she would otherwise have the energy to argue with the ‘Bella’. But maybe it was best that she didn’t. She wouldn’t be surprised if Ursula is testing her, making sure that she is going to be as good as her word as far as interfering is concerned.

The midwife had nodded. ‘Erica Bella Woodhouse,’ she said, as though she was approving. Although actually it was none of her business, and neither of them cared at all what a midwife they would never see again thought of the child’s name, at that moment both Ursula and Leonie knew they’d got away with it, smiling at each other in a way that no doubt looked like simple gladness at this new baby.