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Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for the previous work of
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 24 April 2018
  6. Part 1: Subject
  7. 15 June 1968
  8. 20 June 1968
  9. July 1968
  10. 2 February 2018
  11. Part 2: Light
  12. 20 November 1970
  13. 20 November 1970
  14. 21 November 1970
  15. November 1970
  16. 19 February 2018
  17. Part 3: Focus
  18. 15 April 1977
  19. 18 April 1977
  20. 15 May 1977
  21. July 1977
  22. 26 February 2018
  23. 8 March 2018
  24. 8 March 2018
  25. Part 4: Distance
  26. 15 May 1979
  27. 15 May 1979
  28. 16 May 1979
  29. June 1979
  30. 29 March 2018
  31. 29 March 2018
  32. 27 March 2018
  33. Part 5: Movement
  34. 18 October 1981
  35. 10 April 2018
  36. 18 October 1981
  37. 10 April 2018
  38. 18 October 1981
  39. 10 April 2018
  40. 18 October 1981
  41. 10 April 2018
  42. 10 April 2018
  43. 18 October 1981
  44. 10 April 2018
  45. October 1981
  46. Part 6: Exposure
  47. July 1984
  48. 5 September 1984
  49. 24 April 2018
  50. 25 April 2018
  51. Part 7: Developing
  52. 26 April 2018
  53. Vee, in the lost place, 1984
  54. 26 April 2018
  55. Epilogue
  56. 5 February 2019
  57. Author’s Note
  58. Acknowledgements
  59. Letter from Author
  60. Stephanie Butland’s Readers’ Club
  61. For your Reading Group
  62. For discussion
  63. Select bibliography
  64. About the author
  65. Also by Stephanie Butland

Erica puts her hand on the file. ‘These are the latest versions of the introductory texts for the exhibition sections, and the updated layout. I’ve got a week before they are submitted to the gallery for sign-off, and at that point we won’t be able to make any more changes, so I thought we should go through, and—’ She looks tired, the skin under her eyes a little blue, the way a child’s would be.

‘Or,’ Vee interrupts, ‘I could sign them off right now, and we could go and have a coffee.’

‘You want to read them now? There’s quite a lot—’

‘No, Erica, I don’t want to read them. I’ve seen enough of what you’ve already done with them. You ask intelligent questions and you listen to the answers. I—’ She hesitates before the next word, because she’s not sure that she’s ever said it, to anyone, before. ‘I trust you.’

Erica nods then exhales. ‘But – don’t you care?’

‘I don’t matter,’ Vee says. She realises as soon as the words are out that it’s the wrong way to put it, because Erica looks crushed. ‘I mean . . . the point of photography isn’t that the camera tells the truth, but that people look at images and interpret them. You’ve looked at me and you’ve interpreted me. You’ve done a good job.’

Vee thinks of all she’s done, quietly, that she hopes no one will ever know about. That’s her real legacy. She touches Erica on the shoulder. (Why does she keep touching people? She’s never wanted to before.) ‘Let’s go out for a coffee. There’s a cafe on the corner.’

She moves to get her coat – it wasn’t actually a question – but Erica hesitates. ‘Before we go, I want to know about your headaches, Vee. Your medication looks as though they’re something serious.’

Vee inhales, exhales, and something starts to throb, behind her ear. She should probably be honest, even if she doesn’t want to say it. ‘Well, I have a glioblastoma. It’s a brain cancer. The prognosis isn’t good. I had it first in 2007. I was lucky then, because it was possible to remove it.’ Her fingertips go to her skull, as if magnetised, feel along the scarline behind her left ear where her hair grows in kinks. ‘It was always going to come back. It was only ever a question of time.’ She hears how her voice gets caught on the words ‘come back’ and ‘time’.

‘I’m sorry.’ Erica looks upset, so Vee looks away. She’s not sure which of them she’s sparing. ‘You can’t have surgery again?’

Vee shakes her head, not sure if it hurts. ‘Not this time. It’s inoperable.’ She shrugs. ‘I got an extra ten years.’ This time she manages to make it sound more matter-of-fact than it feels.