My mother’s pocketbook swings from her arm. Her head is bowed low, chin touching her chest. I know how badly she wants to get that pocketbook open and the gin to her gut.

“It’s time.” Emme taps Anna gently on the shoulder. Anna responds with a nod and winds up her prayer with a whisper and a crossing of her chest. The others follow suit, their words trailing off as they drop hands, wipe tears, and blow noses.

I belong to this family. I belong to them all.

Anna comes first, holds my face, kisses my cheeks. “Goodbye, my darling. Goodbye, my love.”

Daddy stumbles over, grasps my hands, and kisses my forehead. “I love you, baby. Oh God, baby. I love you. I love you so much, baby.”

Brett strokes my cheek and kisses where my mouth is stretched around the ventilator. “Goodbye, my angel. I’ll love you, forever.”

Merilee stands to the side. Anna gestures her over and Daddy offers up my other hand. My mother sobs into my fingers and kisses them one by one, as if discovering them for the first time. “I’m sorry baby. I’m sorry. I love you, Jacqueline…Jackie. I love you.”

Anna strokes my forehead. “It’s okay, Jackie. It’s okay to go now.”

Time to go.

Let go, let go, let go…

Goodbye, I call to each of them. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I breathe in the sachet in my mother’s nightgown drawer, the scent of my father’s shoe polish, the gin on my mother’s breath, Anna’s chocolate breath, Daddy’s Listerine breath, and the mildew in our pillows from the damp ocean air.

But now they are in each other’s embrace, dancing around the orange and yellow sofa, and I am transported back to the beach, the ocean.

Anna covers me with sunscreen. Daddy builds me a sandcastle.

Mommy sings me a lullaby.

“The north wind doth blow, and we shall have snow, and what will the Robin do then? Poor thing…”

The waves roll in, one after another. Big and powerful, right through our door, up the stairs into my bedroom where I sleep. No one can stop a wave from breaking. Not Brett, not Daddy not Anna, not me.

“Are you ready, Sidney?” Anna whispers to my father. He nods, kisses my forehead, his face soaked with tears. Anna takes his arm and guides him out the door.

Brett kisses the back of my hand. “Sleep, my princess.” I breathe in his scent.

I love you I love you I love you.

Brett closes the door softly behind him.

Emme holds my weeping mother and pushes the damp hairs off her forehead.

“I’m sorry,” my mother says to Emme.

“Don’t be,” Emme says to my mother. “That’s what I’m here for.”

“I’m ashamed,” my mother says to Emme.