SNORT. Cough. Cough. Whoa, whoa. Yes! Yes! I was flying now! The song “Touch Me Babe” played. I licked my fingers, wiped up the rest of the coke, smeared it on Roger’s lips, and kissed him, using my tongue to swipe the numbing coke all over our gums. Then I unbuttoned Roger’s shirt. His chest was so smooth and hairless and he was pulling down my pants and okay, he was going down on me, but I couldn’t feel anything and mostly I just wanted to talk and smoke, but I was out of coke and I was starting to feel scared about how I was going to get up in the morning. I had two auditions before noon and fuck, I had done it again. I’d sworn I wouldn’t stay up this late and I knew I would never come down and I had left the Valium at home. Wait, no I had one in my purse, but Roger was still going down on me and I calculated how long it would take to have sex and then take the Valium and I pushed Roger’s head away and pulled him up, on top and inside me so we could have sex and get it over with, but the coke had made us too numb to feel our organs and we just kept pushing at each other.

Roger paused and squinted at me, unfocused. Seeing him now without glasses, I decided he looked better with them on.

“Um, I don’t think I can come,” he said matter of fact.

“Me neither,” I said relieved.

He pulled out of me and reached down for his pants, his underwear bunched up inside one leg. I turned away and pretended not to notice while he hopped around sorting himself out.

“You have any Valium?” he asked while I lit a cigarette.

“Sorry no,” I lied. I couldn’t afford to split my Valium with him. I needed to come down enough to sleep. I had to be up in four hours for an audition. “I’m out of smokes,” I said. “Fuck.” I put on my clothes, picked up my purse, and found my car keys.

“You leaving?” he asked.

“No, um, yeah. I’m just going to use the bathroom.” I was sinking now, plummeting into that familiar place of remorse. I wouldn’t sleep. I’d feel crazy. I’d have to cancel the auditions and Penny would be pissed. I missed Peter.