Marco sat alone at the table, his eyes almost hazy. He grabbed my wrist a little too tightly as I approached.

‘Get ready!’ he said. We were like a circuit now, his excitement sparking through me. ‘I feel incredible.’

‘Do you really?’ I said, keeping my voice low. I didn’t want anyone to think I was being critical, but I wanted to know what I was in for. ‘You seemed pretty devastated for some of that.’

‘No, no,’ said Marco. His words felt too loud, too quick – I could imagine exactly what he was like when he was high. ‘I feel like it’s all gone. It’s just gone. All that, that’ – his hands karate-chopped the chilly air around him – ‘that shit! Just gone. My life is beginning again, just like yours will. Lucky you, Toxic Mummy’s Daughter.’

A beatific grin spread across his face, like sunlight glinting on water, and hope began to flood me. Maybe what I thought was fear was pure bravery. We were Amber’s warriors, and I was riding into battle. I was fighting for myself the way my family had never bothered to fight for me. They might not know my value, but here – with this random, beautiful new family I’d just discovered – I could find the unblemished me, the pristine version that existed before their twisted take on love scarred and mauled me.

I reached over, hugged Marco so tightly I could feel his heart beating against mine.

‘I think you’re incredible,’ I whispered into his ear, as intimate as a lover.

‘Welcome to your turn!’ said Amber, as I stood by the couch. The rest of the group watched intently, their focus lifting me skyward. ‘Why don’t you lie down?’

‘Sure,’ I said, hopping up and peeling myself backwards. Arthur’s dark eyes unexpectedly bored down from above.

‘So!’ said Amber, almost playful. ‘Here you are, Toxic Mummy’s Daughter. Ready for your release.’

I was shaking with fearful anticipation, my limbs quivering against the rough towelling fabric that covered the couch. I tried to reply, but the words stuck fast in my throat. I looked up at Arthur – the face I’d decided was wise and kind – and tried to find my focus. There was a haziness that I put down to resistance. To my misplaced loyalty.

‘I’m ready,’ I said. Frustration welled up inside me. How incredible would it be to be free of that nagging voice, constantly telling me I was a piece of shit? ‘I’m so fucking ready!’

‘Amen to that!’ whooped Amber. ‘And are we ready to support Toxic Mummy’s daughter? Are we all here beside her?’

Their voices bubbled up from the surround, full of care and love and blessings and I let myself bask in it, hot tears already starting to streak my cheeks, pain and happiness made liquid.