Her words were like bullets. Now I was sobbing, my face buried in my hands. Would I always be defective – nothing more than a broken branch of a rotten tree?

‘I’ll end it… I’ll end it today,’ I told her. ‘I know I’m not ready. I’m so glad I told you.’

Her face slightly softened.

‘I’m glad you know that,’ she said.

I smiled through my tears, pathetically grateful for this chink of light. Perhaps I could just forget about what Tim had said. Perhaps it was life-threatening to do otherwise.

‘Look at you, though,’ she said. ‘Do you really need more stress? Right now you’ve got to go to work and show Duncan that you’re his star staff member. His number one girl. That’s going to take a lot from you.’

The ground felt unsteady again, the prospect of the day ahead a dark tunnel. I gasped for breath, my throat constricting with fear.

‘I don’t know if I can do it… I can’t.’

Amber crossed the room, sinking down next to me on the sofa and putting her arms around me.

‘You can. I know that you can. Don’t ever forget how brave you are. How far you’ve come. This is a bump in the road, but you’re still driving the car.’ I could feel her lips moving against my hair. ‘I’ll call Arthur – you don’t need any more drama put on you right now. He should have recognized how vulnerable you are – I’m going to make sure he thinks long and hard about his behaviour. And you can have an extra session this week; you need the support.’

I wanted to protest, to tell her it was obviously me who should speak to him, but it felt too risky to go up against her. Besides, I was already skating on thin ice – it wasn’t like I was paying for all the love and care she was lavishing on me to get me better.

I must have known, too, that if I saw Arthur, I’d never have the strength to end it.

‘Thank you,’ I breathed. ‘I’m sorry I fucked up so badly. Thanks for not giving up on me.’

I was searching inside for those questions I’d arrived knowing that I needed to ask, but every time I grasped for them, they swam away from me. Eventually I gave up, letting my body slump against hers.

‘You’re welcome, precious girl,’ she said, stroking my cheek. Her voice was an equally soft caress. ‘You know I’ll never give up on you. Never ever.’

LILY