‘We don’t want facts,’ she said. ‘We want feelings.’

‘Right.’

I wanted to please her, but the words were jammed in my throat, choking me. Why had I volunteered for this? I wasn’t strong enough. Tim gave me an encouraging smile, his long fingers steepled in front of him.

‘Sharing your story isn’t a betrayal,’ said Amber softly. ‘How does it feel to be their sister, their child?’ She paused a beat, waiting for me to speak. ‘Tell us about Lily.’

Something tore a little inside.

‘My mum is – she loves me, but it’s hard.’ I paused. The silence felt too full. ‘She won’t let me tell the truth. In big ways and small ways.’ I heard my voice crack. ‘It’s like she loves the idea of me more than she loves me.’

‘And love is a verb,’ intoned Amber. ‘If someone tells us they love us, but they’re not loving – well, is that even love? It’s deeply distressing for a child.’

‘She does love me, she’s just… she’s a complicated person. She had a really hard childhood herself, she…’ Amber watched me, letting me peter out.

‘Maybe it is love,’ said Amber, ‘but I don’t think that love should make you feel this sad. This shitty about yourself. Do you? Do you really think you deserve that, Rachel?’

I was crying now, standing up in that grubby kitchen, the pile of lentils I’d failed to eat congealing on my plate in a grey pile. I let the stinging tears roll down my face like a window pane battered by a storm. I felt utterly desolate.

‘No, I don’t!’ I said, suddenly galvanized by a surge of righteous rage. ‘I fucking don’t deserve to feel like this.’

‘Too right,’ agreed Amber, flushed with indignation on my behalf.

I should have seen it. I should have detected the triumph that shone out of her eyes.

‘Your mum constantly manipulates you. She tortures you.’

‘Fuck her,’ I sobbed. ‘Fuck my fucking family.’

‘That’s it,’ said Amber. ‘Let it out. Connect with that pain you’ve spent so many years numbing away.’ She looked around the group. ‘You’re safe. You’re held. We’re all here for you.’

I risked a look around the room. All of them were smiling at me, even Joanna. Arthur’s handsome face was almost split in two by his grin.

‘Thanks,’ I said in a small voice. ‘I’m sorry to be such a cry baby.’ Then I felt bad about Hannah, my proxy baby sister. ‘I mean, obviously I’m just being incredibly brave, being this vulnerable.’ I smiled at them, and they took my cue to laugh. I felt like Arthur was drawn to me, intrigued, admiring of my spirit. The high came back, kicking in just as hard as the low had done a few minutes earlier.