Bois-Saint-Vernon, Provence

4

Settling In

The leisurely, two-day journey was strangely calming after making some very emotional goodbyes – understandable, given the circumstances – but distance is nothing these days. Loved ones are merely a call away. Or that’s what everyone had said whilst studiously avoiding eye contact.

The reality of that scenario, though, is something I will have to learn to come to terms with, because I fear I will get homesick. What if something bad happens and you never get to look into those eyes up close ever again? It’s unbearable. It’s torture. And the only way to cope with that is to plaster on a smile so no one knows your heart is breaking.

On my first call to Hannah, en route, she managed to put on a brave face because her boyfriend, Liam, was with her. But I could tell that she didn’t really want to talk to me and was simply going through the motions. Perhaps she was still cross with me, or maybe she was simply having a bad day.

Liam reminds me of a young Aiden in some ways. But he’s less impetuous than the boyish Aiden was, before responsibility began weighing him down.

It did make me stop and think about how much Aiden has changed since we first met. We went from the excitement of getting married and living together to the harsh realities of having bills to pay and a house to do up. Was it a mistake focusing on the goals we’d set ourselves and that’s what ground him down? Did it suck the joy out of life, feeling a constant pressure as our body clocks ticked away… baby time, baby time?

The upside to the conversation was that if I’d had any concerns about Liam recklessly breaking Hannah’s heart, they quickly dissolved. Liam realises how dependent my sister is on me and he’s trying his best to fill the gap, which is touching. There are no guarantees, of course, but they seem committed to each other for the time being. I also think he’s a little wary around me, as he senses that anyone who hurts my little sister will have to face my wrath.

The truth is that I really didn’t want to leave, but if I stayed, life without Aiden by my side would have been unbearable. Almost as if we had split up. So, I had to pull up my big-girl pants and give myself a talking-to. I can either be miserable and this can be a year of hell, or I can use it to grow. I decided I’d make it about meeting new people and learning new skills. I would return a better person, my life enriched and with a much wider appreciation of the world outside the tiny confines of my personal little bubble.