Cover

Dedication

To Lawrence

Even after all our years together, every single day of my life I still choose you. You were the one who convinced me it was time to give up the day job and just write. So, I did. Whenever my confidence has dipped, you’ve been there to pick me up. And when it’s been time to celebrate, you whisk me away and make me feel like a million dollars. Love you always and forever. x

April 2018

Stroud, Gloucestershire

1

The Wind of Change is Blowing

Is it a blessing, or a curse, to be born with an inner voice… one that pipes up unbidden, filling you with a sense of uneasy expectation?

The situation isn’t helped by the fact that my head has been pounding all day. But for the last hour, I’ve had a familiar shooting pain in my right eye and now it’s becoming relentless. It’s building, whatever is coming, and the stress of it is making me sick to my stomach.

When it finally reveals itself to me, my instincts are screaming that everything will change. Every little thing I take for granted is going to be threatened.

Change can be exhilarating, but what I feel is a heaviness beginning to descend upon me and I’m fearful about what is coming.

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. The phone skitters across the desk, making me jump. I’ve been trying to read the final page of this report for the last twenty minutes, but the words keep swimming in front of my eyes. I don’t want to answer it because it’s taking all my resolve to sit here quietly reading, let alone engage in even a simple conversation. Maybe it can wait. It’s too late in the day for it to be my boss and I scan around, realising everyone else has already gone home.

I retract my hovering hand, leaning over instead to check the caller ID. It’s my sister, Hannah. Instantly I panic and my mouth goes dry as I snatch up the phone, pressing it to my ear. At the moment, she’s a constant worry and it’s just one thing after another as she lurches from one emotional crisis to the next. Hormones have a lot to answer for, don’t they?

My voice is uneven, a gravelly rasp I barely recognise.

‘What’s up, Hannah?’ I pause to clear my throat. ‘Is everything okay?’

Thud goes my heart in slow motion, as if it’s mechanical and in need of rewinding. I know I should have quit working an hour ago to go home and dive beneath the duvet to ride this out.

‘Fern, I can’t believe you’re still at work. Do you know what time it is?’

The haze of pain around me clears a little as the warm lilt in her tone reassures me she’s fine.

‘I… I’m leaving soon.’