Having three siblings, I knew myself all right. Ours was a noisy house, but we were happy in between the usual squabbles and petty upsets of family life. I was the sensible one, always enlisted to help out and take control of my brother and sisters. Mum said I was a born negotiator and she’d laugh whenever I waded in to break up an argument over who was going to sit on the big chair in front of the TV.

As I grew into my teens, though, surprisingly – as the second eldest – I became the one pushing the boundaries and driving my parents mad. I was so resolute in the belief that I knew best, I often refused to listen to advice. But with their hands full, there were times when Dad would ground me and the cooling-off period often did me good. It helped me to put things into perspective and I needed that.

Aiden, on the other hand, being an only child, was the sole focus for his parents. Did that intensity mean he felt his role was always to please and never to disappoint? Perhaps now he’s approaching thirty, he’s beginning to rebel at that feeling of having to please everyone around him. And that, it seems, includes me.

That little voice inside my head continues the conversation – words I simply can’t express out loud. I don’t want you to please me, Aiden, I simply want to make you happy; that’s what I thought I was doing as we build our future together. Well, I guess I failed the one time it really mattered. A half-sob rises up within me. How can I forgive myself for letting you down so badly, my darling?

3

The Party

‘About last night. I didn’t mean to—’

Sitting across the breakfast table from me, Aiden’s look is apologetic and tinged with guilt.

It took me hours to drift off and I awoke, suddenly, a couple of hours later. As I lay there impatiently waiting for dawn to break, I instinctively knew he, too, was wide awake. With our backs to each other, I’d never felt more alone in my entire life.

‘Hey, if we can’t be honest with each other, then something is very wrong. I can’t pretend that what you said didn’t come as a bit of a shock,’ I point out, ‘but I’m glad you had the courage to tackle it.’

‘And you aren’t disappointed in me?’ Aiden is making no attempt at all to eat his breakfast and the cornflakes are now lying in the bowl in front of him, soggy and unappealing.

I shake my head, scared to utter the word ‘no’ out loud, fearing it will lack conviction.