‘Maa?’ I called out as I stuck my head into the kitchen, not wanting to frighten her, knowing she would be buried in her newspaper. The kettle steamed on the stove, but my Maa wasn’t there. I turned the stove off and poured the hot water into the teapot so the tea could brew. I turned towards the corridor, shouting that the tea was already in the pot, before turning back to the living room. To this day, I cannot tell you what made me turn back to look down the corridor again, or why I didn’t see it the first time. I have played the situation over in my head so many times; agonised, analysed and beaten myself up over it. But it doesn’t matter why I did, only that when I did turn back, I saw her foot.

‘Maa?’ I called down the corridor, trying not to panic, but my legs betrayed me. She was lying face down in the bathroom, and instinct told me to roll her over. Her body felt so frail as I gently placed her on her back. I realised how cold the tiled floor was.

‘Rishi! Call an ambulance!’ I couldn’t hide the panic in my voice, trying to remember the basic first aid course we attended in college. Rishi appeared behind me, reaching into his pocket for his phone. I could see his concern.

‘Maa, please,’ I begged her, while I tried to find a pulse in her neck as we had been taught. I heard Rishi give the paramedics our address, as I ran my fingers down her breastbone, trying desperately to rack my brain, worrying that I may hurt the woman who gave me my life.

‘One, two, three,’ I began to count the times that I pressed down on her chest, willing her heart to begin beating again. Listening to her chest, there was nothing. I thought back to weeks earlier, when I had cried about Sakshi abandoning me. It all seemed so irrelevant now. Back then, the sound of her heart beating had comforted me. Now, her chest seemed empty. I breathed deeply into her mouth and began pushing on her chest again.

‘How long are they going to be?’ I shouted at Rishi. I didn’t want this responsibility.

‘Five minutes, Ashray.’ Rishi was pacing like a madman, waiting to open the door for the paramedics as soon as they arrived.

‘Maa,’ I leaned over, listening for her heart through my own sobbing. I breathed air into her lungs again. ‘Please.’ I counted out loud, praying to any deity that would hear my pleas to bring her back.

‘Good job, you can step back now.’ Through my tears, I saw three paramedics. One of them tried to pull me off her chest, but my body seemed to be acting separately from what my rational brain was telling me. Then another set of hands were on me; this time they were familiar.