‘Thank you,’ I said, posing for a selfie with her. ‘So, what do you do?’ Small talk was going to be tedious for the next few minutes, but I knew that it was the price I needed to pay for an all-expenses-paid evening. Between chatting with the competition winners, I eagerly sipped my champagne, willing the nerves to leave me, trying desperately to calm my mind. I could no longer tell whether I was tired or not. The constant need to be online meant that I was awake more hours than I was asleep. Perhaps that was what was bringing on the feeling of dread inside me.

‘Could I have a double vodka and whatever energy drink you have please,’ I asked the waiter who was hovering near us. He nodded, and not long after drinking it, I began to feel better; I could feel my anxiety leaving me.

‘Are you done?’ Latika flopped herself down on the couch to take a selfie.

‘I think so,’ I answered.

‘Then let’s have a party!’ she yelled, pulling me from the couch towards the dance floor. She handed me two shots as I joined the throngs of people moving to the rhythm of the electronic music playing. This week had been tough—no Kavya and a true sense of loneliness. While I had said I wanted to be alone, I hadn’t known what it meant. Without Kavya, this seemed pointless.

Lost in my thoughts, I allowed the music to take control of my body as I swayed to the primal sounds of the bass. With one shot after another, I dispelled the thoughts inside me; those feelings of emptiness, of being lost. My body was frail from the lack of nutrition since Kavya had stopped coming around with food. From Monday, I would begin to take care of myself, I told myself. Eat better and drink less. But, for now. Tonight. I wanted to forget that my life wasn’t as perfect as I expected it to be.

Behind me, Latika danced enthusiastically with the crowd, but I was content to be alone. The same way I had been as a child. Present, but not participating. The more my body resisted my drive to see the evening out, the more determined I was to push through it. Not caring anymore about my perfect image, I danced. I danced away my pain, danced away the loneliness and the pressure to appear perfect. A hand on my arm pulled me from my trance as Latika leaned over.

‘Are you okay?’ Latika shouted into my ear.

‘Fine,’ I shouted back, holding her hand.

‘Jhanvi, you don’t look well.’ She had genuine concern in her eyes. I pushed her away from me, expecting her to lecture me about my drinking in the same way that Kavya had. Lovingly, she took my hand, and led me to the bathroom.