‘Fine,’ I replied automatically, not sure what he wanted to hear.

‘Tell me, why are you here?’ he said. I appreciated that he wasn’t wasting time or treating me with kid gloves.

I didn’t know where to begin really. ‘I collapsed at home,’ I said finally.

‘And what caused the collapse?’

‘I … um …’ I didn’t want to sound like an addict, it wasn’t like I was still dependent on the alcohol and diet pills now, ‘… I worked too much, drank and took pills to cope. It just got out of control.’

‘I see,’ he said, making a note.

‘Sorry,’ I interrupted him, ‘why are you taking notes?’

‘Does it worry you?’ he asked, putting his pen down. How could I respond to that without looking like I was paranoid? ‘Everything that we discuss here is completely confidential, no one else will ever know about it.’ I looked away from him, avoiding eye contact, avoiding conflict.

‘It’s fine,’ I said. It didn’t feel fine, but did I really have a choice?

‘In the same way you are fine?’ He was good.

‘What?’ I feigned confusion to his response.

‘When you walked in here, I asked you how you were, you replied fine. But you aren’t here because you’re fine, Jhanvi. The only way this is going to work is if you’re honest with me, okay?’

‘I don’t want to seem crazy,’ I said, clutching the cushion to my chest. ‘I’m not crazy.’

‘Nobody is saying you’re crazy, Jhanvi. Every person out there who is living in today’s times is filled with some form of pain, is damaged in some way. Some people are just far better at concealing it or dealing with it. That doesn’t make you a better or a worse person than they are, it just means that something has happened that has caused you to take a step backwards. Together, we are going to make sure you can move forward again without relapsing.’ I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer, couldn’t stop the flood gates from opening.

‘I need to be perfect. Need to be in control,’ I sobbed. ‘Without control, my life … this life I have created … will fall apart, and I can’t let that happen because if I do, then what am I? What is my purpose outside of what I have created?’ He handed me a box of tissues, allowing me to compose myself. For the remainder of the session, we spoke about why I felt the need to control every aspect of my life. By the end of the session, I felt that my parents insisting on me coming here was probably the best thing they could have done. Walking out of the room, I felt lighter, a little clearer about the direction I should take. I placed the cushion back on the couch and smiled at the man still fidgeting with his collar.