‘No!’ I shouted. ‘No! No! No! She was alive when she came in here. She was alive! Her heart was beating!’ The walls began to close in.

‘I know, but there was nothing we could do, Ashray. It wasn’t going to last long. I’m so sorry for your loss.’

Pain radiated down my arms, and I couldn’t breathe. My heart was beating so fast, I thought it would burst out of my chest. I could hear the blood rushing in my ears.

‘Are you all right?’ the doctor said, putting his hand on my shoulder. Gone. She was gone. I wouldn’t bring her home; she would never cook in our new kitchen; and she would never see the Mumbai view from our balcony while we ate dinner together.

‘Are you all right?’ he asked again. I couldn’t breathe, wanting desperately to join my Maa in the afterlife. My stomach twisted in a knot, nausea and pressure driving my panic.

‘Nurse! Nurse!’ he called out, and Sakshi ran into the room. Perfect, just perfect!

‘Ashray, breathe,’ she said, trying to get me to calm down. ‘You’re having a panic attack, Ashray. Please breathe.’ I fell to my knees, the room closing in on me.

‘Bring me Ativan,’ I heard the doctor shout through the pounding in my ears. A needle entered my skin and the drug coursed through my body slowly, bringing my heart rate down to a regular pace. My breathing slowed, although the pressure was still there, and my chest burned.

‘Ashray, you need to control your breathing, or you’re going to have another panic attack,’ Sakshi said, hovering over me.

‘I just need you to leave the room,’ I shouted. I wanted her out of my life. Out of the most traumatic thing that had ever happened to me. She had no place here. She left the room quickly, and another nurse entered. The doctor shone a light into my eyes, checking for something, I wasn’t sure what.

‘Get this man a bed,’ he barked to someone outside the waiting room. ‘Nurse, let’s get his breathing under control.’ The nurse kneeled in front of me.

‘Look at me,’ she said, and put her hand on my chin, guiding my eyes to hers. ‘Breathe in and out with me, okay?’ I nodded. She was an older woman, and her eyes implored me to try and control what was happening. ‘Deep breath in and out, again,’ she said. I mimicked her breathing. I had no control over what happened next, no control over my body or my mind. She looked like she understood, looked like she would understand. I leaned forward, my head on her chest—her heartbeat drowning out the blood rushing in my ears—and I cried. A sound that shouldn’t have come from me; a howl that could only be described as animalistic pain.