BooksBarbecue
Back Side by Side Save as PDF
Chapters (50)
  1. Cover Page
  2. Half Title Page
  3. SIDE by SIDE
  4. Dedication Page
  5. Epigraph
  6. Part I: Fall
  7. 1.
  8. 2.
  9. 3.
  10. 4.
  11. 5.
  12. Part II: Crawl
  13. 6.
  14. 7.
  15. 8.
  16. 9.
  17. 10.
  18. 11.
  19. 12.
  20. 13.
  21. 14.
  22. 15.
  23. 16.
  24. 17.
  25. 18.
  26. 19.
  27. 20.
  28. 21.
  29. 22.
  30. 23.
  31. 24.
  32. 25.
  33. 26.
  34. 27.
  35. 28.
  36. 29.
  37. 30.
  38. 31.
  39. Part III: Rise
  40. 32.
  41. 33.
  42. 34.
  43. 35.
  44. 36.
  45. 37.
  46. 38.
  47. 39.
  48. 40.
  49. Acknowledgements
  50. About the Author

“Listen, I know I cocked up. I see that now. I know I’m not perfect. But I want to be a good husband to you, Kavita, really I do. And I think I’ve done pretty well, considering.”

“You do?”

“I’ve been here for you. Through thick and thin. I’ve been here the whole time.”

“Like all those times I asked you to go to group with me. I even begged you.”

“I supported you going.”

“By not going.”

“I told you, I don’t need therapy.”

“Maybe not,” she says. “But I needed you. I needed you to hear all the things I couldn’t articulate about what I was going through. I needed you to learn as I was learning. I needed to feel like I wasn’t going through all the pain and the grief alone, with only a bunch of strangers to relate to. I needed you to be my husband.”

“I am your husband.”

“Sunil’s death is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. It’s probably the worst thing that will ever happen to me. I’ve never needed you more. And you’ve never been harder to find.”

“I didn’t leave you.”

She thinks about this, and realizes, there is more than one way to leave someone.

“So, group is where you met that bloke, then?”

“His name is Hawthorn. And yes.”

“Is this your way of punishing me? By going off on holiday with him?”

She has no sighs left to exhale. “Scattering the ashes of a beloved sister who died by suicide isn’t a holiday, Nirav.”

Coal mews in his cage.

“Kavita, I know my family hurt you—”

“Not just them, Nirav. You hurt me too. You hurt me by the things you did, and mostly by the things you didn’t.”

“Forgive me, my darling, and we’ll start again. We’ll put all this behind us and get back to normal.”

“That isn’t an answer,” she tells him. “That’s just more silence. More pretending.”

The longer their conversation goes on, the clearer it is to Kavita that she isn’t getting through to him. But she will try, one more time. “My pain is supposed to be your pain, Nirav. But you shrug it off like it’s nothing. That’s how I know you don’t really know how I feel, and you don’t care to. You just want the awkwardness to be over. Well, so do I. But I also want a partner that understands me. That loves me, broken pieces and all. Someone I don’t have to hide my pain from because he would never want me to.”

Kavita pauses, shaken, realizing the words that came from her mouth, first came from Hawthorn’s.

Nirav looks at her as if she is deranged.