BooksBarbecue
Back Side by Side Save as PDF
Chapters (50)
  1. Cover Page
  2. Half Title Page
  3. SIDE by SIDE
  4. Dedication Page
  5. Epigraph
  6. Part I: Fall
  7. 1.
  8. 2.
  9. 3.
  10. 4.
  11. 5.
  12. Part II: Crawl
  13. 6.
  14. 7.
  15. 8.
  16. 9.
  17. 10.
  18. 11.
  19. 12.
  20. 13.
  21. 14.
  22. 15.
  23. 16.
  24. 17.
  25. 18.
  26. 19.
  27. 20.
  28. 21.
  29. 22.
  30. 23.
  31. 24.
  32. 25.
  33. 26.
  34. 27.
  35. 28.
  36. 29.
  37. 30.
  38. 31.
  39. Part III: Rise
  40. 32.
  41. 33.
  42. 34.
  43. 35.
  44. 36.
  45. 37.
  46. 38.
  47. 39.
  48. 40.
  49. Acknowledgements
  50. About the Author

She runs the shower, undresses, and steps into the bath with a shiver. She stands facing the stream, wanting the water to pour into the chill she has been holding in her belly, but even at full strength, the water isn’t hot enough to melt away the frigid feeling.

As trickles trace her skin, she hugs her nakedness, and the words brim out of her in short, convulsive cries. Maybe if she lets them out this way, they will slip down the drain like dirty water and return to the rotten underground place where awful things belong.

But it doesn’t work. No matter how she tries to empty herself, the words remain, as if they are a part of her now, like Anchor and Blaze and Gloom. And the nameless den of snow.

No one knows about him.

No one knows about him.

No one knows about him….

Gloom settles upon her back. Its weight curls her spine. She sinks to her knees and presses her palms against the tub, trying to resist its dark power, which feels heavy enough to crush her into the floor.

18.

When the water finally runs cold, she wakens, trembling. She lifts herself out of the bath and wraps herself in a towel that has been warming on the radiator. As she sits on the toilet, waiting for the quake in her flesh to still, she wonders, bleakly, what in the world she is going to do with herself while Nirav finishes his speech.

The feeling side of her wants to bury the incident in dreams within dreams.

The thinking side of her lectures she is overreacting. Why does she always have to be so soft? Doesn’t she know her perspective is skewed by her emotions? Doesn’t she know people who feel too much are usually wrong? No? Well, they are, it assures her. She has probably misunderstood the whole situation, so she should keep calm, and wait for a reasonable explanation. It repeats: be reasonable. Nirav will help her get to the bottom of things and then she will see how silly she has been. Everything is going to be fine. Now, it tells her, snap out of it, and get back out there, and for the love of God, be useful.

Wait for a reasonable explanation, she coaches herself. Everything is going to be fine.

Kavita finds Nirav seated at the oblong dining table, hunched over a spiral notepad with a pencil in his hand. He scribbles something, crosses it out, and then rubs his forehead, as if the friction might summon a muse. As she passes, she touches his shoulder. He keeps rubbing his forehead.

Mrs. Stone is seated in the living room watching a show on television. Kavita presumes that Nirav’s father and sister are in their bedrooms.