BooksBarbecue
Back Side by Side Save as PDF
Chapters (50)
  1. Cover Page
  2. Half Title Page
  3. SIDE by SIDE
  4. Dedication Page
  5. Epigraph
  6. Part I: Fall
  7. 1.
  8. 2.
  9. 3.
  10. 4.
  11. 5.
  12. Part II: Crawl
  13. 6.
  14. 7.
  15. 8.
  16. 9.
  17. 10.
  18. 11.
  19. 12.
  20. 13.
  21. 14.
  22. 15.
  23. 16.
  24. 17.
  25. 18.
  26. 19.
  27. 20.
  28. 21.
  29. 22.
  30. 23.
  31. 24.
  32. 25.
  33. 26.
  34. 27.
  35. 28.
  36. 29.
  37. 30.
  38. 31.
  39. Part III: Rise
  40. 32.
  41. 33.
  42. 34.
  43. 35.
  44. 36.
  45. 37.
  46. 38.
  47. 39.
  48. 40.
  49. Acknowledgements
  50. About the Author

Her thoughts creep to the inside of his car, the inside of his mind during his last moments. She needs to know what he saw, what he felt, what he thought as he left the world. Was he scared to die alone? Was he relieved? The detective said they found the driver’s chair reclined. Did he simply close his eyes and wait for poisonous sleep? Or did he lean his chair back, slip into a moonbeam, and star gaze one last time?

Did he listen to the radio? If so, what station? What cd? Or did he prefer the sounds of the night? Crickets chirp louder in the country, and stars shine brighter.

As tears slip down Kavita’s cheeks, she wonders if he cried too before the end. If he mourned all the things he was about to leave. If he thought of her and their parents and Nirav as his eyes closed for the last time. If he missed them when he did.

Did he care about strangers finding him? Or was that part of the plan too? Was that why he drove so far from home, so they would be spared the sight of his destruction?

What about the man who found him, the ski lodge manager? And later, the police and paramedics. Who were they? What did they look like? What did their faces look like when they found him? What did they say? Did they handle him with care?

Did he really think they could live without him? Did he really misunderstand his importance so entirely?

Could death’s quiet embrace really have been more comforting than the loving arms of their family?

Just then, a sky-blue car rolls by the window. Her neck jerks to follow its path.

A blue car.

Like Sunil’s.

She dwells inside a second of pearlescent hope.

The yellow mug slips from her weak hands. She only glances at the broken pieces for a second, barely feels the warm wetness on her feet. She lifts her urgent gaze and finds the blue car again. It slows down as it approaches the stop sign on the corner.

Her reason catches up. A sky-blue car, yes. Sunil’s sky-blue car, no. She remembers that the time for searching is over. The car disappears around the corner. When you lose your person, you never stop searching for them.

Kavita stares at the scattered shards and her naked feet soaked with sweet tea in a state of belated devastation. Squatting, she numbly gathers up the broken pieces of the last gift Sunil will ever give her.

5.

On the morning of the memorial, Chi texts, saying that something has come up and she won’t be able to make it after all.

Sorry, Kavs. xo

The sorrier thing is that Kavita isn’t entirely surprised.

Mourners start arriving around eleven o’clock. Along with condolences, most bring flowers and cards, although a few offer practical gifts of casseroles and soup.