BooksBarbecue
Back Side by Side Save as PDF
Chapters (50)
  1. Cover Page
  2. Half Title Page
  3. SIDE by SIDE
  4. Dedication Page
  5. Epigraph
  6. Part I: Fall
  7. 1.
  8. 2.
  9. 3.
  10. 4.
  11. 5.
  12. Part II: Crawl
  13. 6.
  14. 7.
  15. 8.
  16. 9.
  17. 10.
  18. 11.
  19. 12.
  20. 13.
  21. 14.
  22. 15.
  23. 16.
  24. 17.
  25. 18.
  26. 19.
  27. 20.
  28. 21.
  29. 22.
  30. 23.
  31. 24.
  32. 25.
  33. 26.
  34. 27.
  35. 28.
  36. 29.
  37. 30.
  38. 31.
  39. Part III: Rise
  40. 32.
  41. 33.
  42. 34.
  43. 35.
  44. 36.
  45. 37.
  46. 38.
  47. 39.
  48. 40.
  49. Acknowledgements
  50. About the Author

The rationalizing and scant hope and mantra have failed her completely. Instead of a reasonable explanation, she got what she was never expecting: unreasonable expectations. It has only been months since Sunil passed away. Do they really think she is in any shape for motherhood?

Before Sunil’s passing, she and Nirav sometimes fantasized about having a child. They mused about what he or she might look like, the names they could live with and the ones they couldn’t stand, how they wanted the baby to learn both Hindi and French.

Now, her fantasies are dyed a darker hue, and her thoughts about parenthood shoot to the worst possible scenario: What if mental illness is encoded in her genes? What if Gloom has always been inside of her like a spore waiting for ideal conditions to spread its suffocating taint, its black hypha branching through her like chocking vines until she is colonized? What if she has a child, and that child struggles like Sunil did? What if she has a child, and loves it, and cares for it, and makes it the centre of her world, and that child takes the life she gave it?

It could happen.

It happened to her parents. They wanted health and happiness and good fortune like anyone else. They had been blessed with those treasures for a while—been lucky as some might smugly boast as if the rest of the world were damned—but then those good things were plucked away, violently plucked away. What makes her think she is immune?

It could happen again.

If it happens again, she knows she won’t survive it. Her bloody, broken heart can’t be splintered into any smaller pieces, it simply isn’t possible.

“Kavita?” Mrs. Stone calls out, puckering her ears against the trill. “Are you filling your glass or the Thames, dear?”

She shuts off the tap. She wants to excuse herself but there is no escape from the Roman arena that is their dining table. No, there is no safety in this place.

Kavita returns to her seat at the table. They have moved on to gossiping about the upcoming Royal wedding. Although she isn’t hungry, she eats, if only to close herself off to conversation, her presence for the rest of the meal as slight as the sounds that she makes: tearing, scooping, swallowing with effort.

20.

After dinner, kavita sequesters Nirav in his bedroom at last. By the light of a single floor lamp, they sit on his bed, and she holds her hands in her lap to stop their mutinous quivering from betraying the saint-like air she is strenuously trying to exude, all openness and inner glow like a statue in a temple.

“That thing I wanted to talk to you about,” she says in her softest manner. The baby shaming will have to wait its turn in the queue of inappropriate things have happened during this trip.