Her body starts to tremble. The rims of her eyes shiver. As she watches the skyward dance, Kavita feels her brother’s absence that is so present, the missing part of herself that is him. She can’t say it is simply a hole in the heart, or the stomach, or any place in particular. Rather, the loss of him is an ever-absence, a void that can’t be filled, because it isn’t meant to be.

The wind gusts against her with even more force, as though the hand of life is trying to upset her precarious balance on the wall. Kavita curls in on herself, holding on fiercely, so she won’t blow away.

37.

Perched on the edge of the couch, Kavita waits for Nirav to arrive from work. A small suitcase of her belongings sits by the door, along with the cat carrier. Not long ago, she lured Coal inside with a toss of his favourite treats, and the irresistibility of his ratty blue towel, upon which he is now curled. She made arrangements for him to stay at the vet’s office while she is away at Muir Woods, after which they will both have to find somewhere else to live. All she knows for sure is that wherever she ends up, Coal will be with her. Throughout the upheaval of the past year, he has been her comfort, her company, even her saviour when she thinks of that night. Not to mention, he is the only thing she has left that still feels like home.

She glances at her watch. Nirav is late. After they talk, she will call a taxi from the corner store down the street.

She expected to feel more jittery. Yet somehow, nothing shakes or quivers inside her, as if she has reached a point beyond fear and upset. Still, something about the calm is unsettling. Maybe she is experiencing the stillness that comes from resolve. From finally accepting that when it comes to her marriage, she can’t control everything, she can’t hide forever from the way things are. Nirav is free to act as he chooses, and she needs to know what he will do when finally confronted.

After all, what he does is who he is, and how he feels about her.

Perhaps that is the reality she is ready to confront, at last.

The metal sound of the key in the lock draws her from her thoughts. Swiftly, she rises, presses her shoulders back, and braces herself with a short breath. The door shuts behind him. He doesn’t call out hello like he used to, in his overly-cheerful way. They are long past that kind of effort.

Instead, his first spoken words are, “What’s this?” He would’ve seen the carrier and suitcase by now. He emerges from the hallway, pointing his thumb at the front door. “Going somewhere?”

“Nirav, please sit down. We need to talk.”