BooksBarbecue
Back Side by Side Save as PDF
Chapters (50)
  1. Cover Page
  2. Half Title Page
  3. SIDE by SIDE
  4. Dedication Page
  5. Epigraph
  6. Part I: Fall
  7. 1.
  8. 2.
  9. 3.
  10. 4.
  11. 5.
  12. Part II: Crawl
  13. 6.
  14. 7.
  15. 8.
  16. 9.
  17. 10.
  18. 11.
  19. 12.
  20. 13.
  21. 14.
  22. 15.
  23. 16.
  24. 17.
  25. 18.
  26. 19.
  27. 20.
  28. 21.
  29. 22.
  30. 23.
  31. 24.
  32. 25.
  33. 26.
  34. 27.
  35. 28.
  36. 29.
  37. 30.
  38. 31.
  39. Part III: Rise
  40. 32.
  41. 33.
  42. 34.
  43. 35.
  44. 36.
  45. 37.
  46. 38.
  47. 39.
  48. 40.
  49. Acknowledgements
  50. About the Author

She rubs her forehead. “When do you leave?”

“We leave for California in two weeks. I hope you’ll still come with us. So do my parents. They really like you. They told me so. They really like you, Kavita. And I adore you. Broken pieces and all. You’ll never have to hide those parts from me. I’d never want you to.”

She looks into his eyes. They are dark and soft and open. Wells of empathy.

36.

The next day, she drives up to Gatineau Park along the narrow road that swerves through the densely wooded hills all the way to the top of the escarpment. A few cars are parked at Champlain Lookout. A family of four stands by the stone half-wall, peering over the flat land below as they snap photos. A pair of cyclists dressed in bright spandex like riders in the Tour de France suck on blue energy drinks. Off to one side, a couple of teenagers lean against the wall, kissing.

She climbs out of the car and ambles to the wall with her hands stuffed inside her jean jacket pockets. She touches the smooth thread of Sunil’s rakhi, winces for a second, and then rubs it between her thumb and forefinger as though it is a japamala.

When she reaches the wall, she stares at nothing for a few moments. This is the place Sunil came to think, to get away, to gaze at the hawks riding the thermals—unencumbered and free—and dream about joining them. Desperate for his council, she was drawn here, the way the weary are drawn to temple, to feel the spotlight of heaven kiss the crown of their heads and surrender the secrets of their hearts. She feels his presence in so few places anymore, but she feels him deeply here, somewhere in the poetry blue of the sky.

She hoists herself onto the wall, and swivels to let her feet dangle off the side. To the left, the gentle slope of the hillside is bright with the lushness of late spring. In the distance, at the far edge of the patchwork farmland, the river meanders from north to south, and then beyond her view.

A fresh wind rushes into her unbuttoned jacket. She folds the front panels over her waist and lifts her gaze to the lightly clouded sky. A few hawks dip and climb and loop with the air currents tracing swirls in the blue. Her eyes follow their kite-like flight.

What should I do? she asks Sunil. Please, Bear. Tell me what to do.

She used to be so sure of everything. So certain of the path she had chosen. But ever since his passing, it is as if the lines of her life’s map have been burned away by grief. Which way is she supposed to go now?