“By pretending to date me, you’d get to live a little more.”

“What, like free nachos while someone’s ass waves in my face?”

He rolled his eyes. “No, I meant more like”—he gestured to his car—“stuff like this. And, if you play your cards right and we get married, you’d get a piece of the fortune.”

If I had been drinking water, I’d have spat it out dramatically, like in a movie. But since I wasn’t and my mouth was completely dry, I choked on my own tongue and, surprise, Hongbo didn’t notice, continuing, “It’s all pretend. You’re obviously allowed to do whatever with whoever, if you even want that”—his eyes flicked to my private parts as he snickered, and I could hear him all over again telling everyone about my shriveled vagina—“and I obviously would live the same life as now. Who knows? Maybe you’ll even be lucky enough to get a piece of me too, though you’re not my type, and guessing by this”—he gestured vaguely at my genitals with a circle of his hand—“you don’t have the experience to make up for the rest of it.”

I’d never kicked anyone in the balls before, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t be good at it or that I shouldn’t.

I had to swallow some bile. “Why the fuck would I want anything to do with you, let alone a fake relationship?” I pulled my phone out again. “I’m leaving. Please don’t ever contact me again.”

This time he did swipe for my phone, but I dodged him.

“Look,” he said, a little desperate. “My parents want us to be together, okay? Because, you know, you’re like the community virgin or whatever.”

I was sort of aware that I had that reputation, but I hadn’t known it was so official. Why would it be, when it was nobody’s business but my own? The ironic part was that their so-called community virgin was and had always been open to romantic relationships, including the physical parts, but had just never found anyone who made her stomach flip or whatnot. Maybe because the community’s flagship bachelor was worse boyfriend material than a cactus.

I shook my head over and over and over. “All of this is…” I circled a hand, not able to find the words for how absurd this was. “We’re so far off the deep end we’re not even in the pool anymore.”

“See? You’re perfect for this. ‘We’re not even in the pool anymore,’ ” he mimicked. “Who fucking talks like that?”

Finally my eyes and voice turned as murderous as I felt. “Stay the hell away from me.”

I retreated to the other side of the parking lot to wait for my Uber, and he left me alone.

But not for long.