If I had been on the verge of peeing my sweat-soaked undies introducing my parents to fake Drew, well, now I was going to need some Pepto-Bismol.

I wanted to both delay the conversation and rip off the soggy, smelly Band-Aid immediately. The anticipation was almost worse than what was to come. Only almost—because I was ninety-six percent sure the hundreds of scenarios I imagined at night lying in bed were plausible. Hence the Pepto-Bismol. And the other four percent? Was me imagining my parents embracing Drew with open arms and telling me they were thrilled I was happy. That was even more painful than imagining—predicting?—their anger and ultimatums.

I was dreading Chinese New Year more than my mom dreaded menopause. And I was slowly running out of my defense-mechanism humor.

CHINESE NEW YEAR

Drew CHAPTER 66 BUNS

February 12

Chinese New Year fell on a Friday this year, which meant the most lucrative rental night with the highest demand was Thursday, Chinese New Year’s Eve, for the big family reunion dinner. My New Year’s Eve client was a kind, quiet, twenty-nine-year-old girl who wasn’t interested in being in a relationship but was tired of all the comments from family. She had asked me not to have physical contact, but to simply “be present and nice,” which was so easy compared to some jobs that I felt bad about the rate she was paying.

And because that job had been a single-nighter, I had a different client the night of Chinese New Year, one who hadn’t been able to afford peak New Year’s Eve pricing. So far, things were going smoothly. Well, save for the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about how Chloe’s plane was landing around this time, Chloe was now calling an Uber, and, oh, probably about home, and then, sweet Mother of God, telling her parents about me.

Luckily, the Rent for Your ’Rents mission was straightforward: stop the parents and nosy aunt from bugging the client, Jeannie, about dating (more specifically, to stop them from telling her to dress more hip or learn how to flirt before she became “a leftover woman,” yikes). Jeannie was open to dating and had been in a few relationships this year, but none she was ready to “subject to the torture that is my family. Maybe when I’m engaged.”