“Well, maybe you don’t know that it doesn’t feel good for women. I’m telling you from experience: don’t give in to the temptation because it’s not worth it. Then you’ll be thrown-out water, and all for what? A bad time.”

I considered telling her it was supposed to feel good for women too, but the idea of talking to my mother about her orgasms made me want to throw up.

“You’re not doing the sex with Andrew, are you?” she asked.

“No.” Not yet. “Not that it’s any of your business.”

I stood, ready to escape.

She grabbed my hand. “I just… I want to protect you, okay? If he’s a good person, he won’t mind waiting. Relationships don’t have to be about the sex.”

I looked back at her and said, this time sincerely, “I know, okay? You don’t have to worry.”

She let go. I was about to leave when she sighed and said, “I had the sex before marriage and it almost ruined me.”

I froze. Completely, even my breathing.

Her words from earlier repeated in my head: I’m telling you from experience: don’t give in to the temptation because it’s not worth it.

Oh. Oh. I thought she had meant that she knew from experience it didn’t feel good, but she had been trying to tell me something else.

When I sat down next to her again, she had tears in her eyes. Her gaze locked on mine, pleading for me to listen.

“Nobody wanted me after that. I didn’t tell anyone, but he did, bragging, and it got around the community I grew up in.” Her next words were so quiet I struggled to make them out even after leaning all the way in. “The only one who wanted to marry me didn’t know—and still doesn’t know—what happened.”

“Oh, Mǎmá.” I put my hand on hers.

I wanted to tell her that the people at fault here were everybody except her, that she hadn’t done anything wrong and had nothing to be ashamed about—just upset and angry—but before I could say anything, she pulled away.

“This is why I talked up your innocence and purity to our whole community. That was a gift to you, one I painstakingly created over many, many years. How could you throw it away just like that, Jing-Jing? You should’ve been smarter! Didn’t I raise you to protect your image, our family name?”