“How are you feeling?” I asked, sitting on the bed looking out the window, my heart silently breaking for a child I wish was still here.

“Great, I almost didn’t make it to the hospital to have her,” she chuckled. “Poor David was freaking out, but we made it and I delivered in the ER of the hospital.”

“Oh, wow!” I laughed, picturing David freaking out. “Did a nurse deliver her?’

“The ER doctor did and thankfully it was someone who had worked labor and delivery before.” A small cry came through the phone.

“I think she’s hungry.” David’s soft voice came through the phone and Madie softly cooed at the baby. I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting the assault of despair coursing through my heart.

“I’ll let you go. Rest and take care of yourselves,” I said, keeping most of the emotion out of my voice. “Congratulations. Send me pictures too.”

“She can’t wait to meet her Auntie.” Madie sounded just as emotional as I was. “We love you and we need to chat. Don’t think I didn’t notice you pulling away this last weekend.”

“Ok, but rest first and we can talk soon.” I didn’t bother trying to deny it. Madie had an impeccable bullshit meter, and we needed to talk. “Love you, bye.”

“Bye.” Madie said, and I hung up the phone to a crying baby

I knew this day was coming, but it didn’t hurt any less. I slid down onto the floor with my legs pulled up to my chest and I cried. That was the last straw in my emotional dam. I sobbed about everything, crying for the daughter I never held, a husband who I never got to grow old with, and the possibility of finding peace here with a family. The sound of the kettle brought me out of my crying fest. I hiccupped as my cries slowed down, taking a minute to settle before I got ready to get my head on straight.

* * *

Jesus, it was a hot day! Wiping the sweat off my forehead and upper lip, I climbed over a fallen tree, enjoying the sounds of nature and the faint music coming from one of my earbuds. It was soothing and I don’t know why it took me so long to come out here again. Henry introduced me to the great outdoors. I was more of an indoor girl, but when he brought me to Colorado for the first time, I fell in love with it. It was such a beautiful state, showing you that nature was more than enough for us. We didn’t need a big city with a lot going on. This place was more than enough, and it was also an hour away from a Target so it had the best of both worlds.