At the moment, I didn’t have a home. As much as that was probably supposed to make me feel depressed, it didn’t. I walked around the downtown area enjoying the cooler weather. October was just around the corner, and Texas was finally getting a reprieve from the heat. The more I walked around seeing the tall buildings, the more I missed Mountain View and the simple life that existed there. Let’s face facts, I missed the guys, too. I ached for the days I would come home to them, enjoying dinner together, or the days where we enjoyed each other one-on-one.

I don’t love you guys.

I can’t believe I said that to them because it was a lie. I did fucking love them, even with all the bullshit that happened with Lucio. Now that I wasn’t so emotional, I knew what had occurred was blown way out of proportion by both parties. They fucking loved me, and I ran away after they spent all this time looking for me, calling me, and texting me. I wanted to go back to Mountain View, but I didn’t know how well I would be welcomed. Would they be mad? Would they be happy? All these doubts and my insecurities were making me anxious, and I knew just the person I needed to talk to.

* * *

6 weeks after finding out my mother-fucking, dead, asshole husband was a lying piece of shit.

Today marked the one-year anniversary of losing my — Deadbeat — husband and baby girl. I spent the morning visiting my daughter, throwing shade to Henry’s grave. Apparently, I was still in my anger stage, working through my grief, and I was ok with that. I hated him for a lot of things, but like Nancy liked to point out, I wouldn’t be where I am today without going through losing him physically and emotionally. At first, I hated to hear that, but now that I was boarding my flight going back to Mountain View, I can see where she had been coming from.

I got through TSA still grateful for my TSA pre-check. When a TSA agent said ‘have a great trip Mrs. Ramos’, I didn’t even flinch. I grabbed a glass of champagne before I boarded the plane to calm my nerves and decided I needed another one for courage. The flight was uneventful; I listened to music and read a book to keep occupied since I was anxious. I did some breathing techniques Nancy had taught me. I really appreciated her and all the sessions we had this past month.