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Back Perfect Ten Save as PDF
Chapters (45)
  1. Chapter One
  2. Chapter Two
  3. Chapter Three
  4. Chapter Four
  5. Chapter Five
  6. Chapter Six
  7. Chapter Seven
  8. Chapter Eight
  9. Chapter Nine
  10. Chapter Ten
  11. Chapter Eleven
  12. Chapter Twelve
  13. Chapter Thirteen
  14. Chapter Fourteen
  15. Chapter Fifteen
  16. Chapter Sixteen
  17. Chapter Seventeen
  18. Chapter Eighteen
  19. Chapter Nineteen
  20. Chapter Twenty
  21. Chapter Twenty-one
  22. Chapter Twenty-two
  23. Chapter Twenty-three
  24. Chapter Twenty-four
  25. Chapter Twenty-five
  26. Chapter Twenty-six
  27. Chapter Twenty-seven
  28. Chapter Twenty-eight
  29. Chapter Twenty-nine
  30. Chapter Thirty
  31. Chapter Thirty-one
  32. Chapter Thirty-two
  33. Chapter Thirty-three
  34. Chapter Thirty-four
  35. Chapter Thirty-five
  36. Chapter Thirty-six
  37. Chapter Thirty-seven
  38. Chapter Thirty-eight
  39. Chapter Thirty-nine
  40. Chapter Forty
  41. Chapter Forty-one
  42. Chapter Forty-two
  43. Chapter Forty-three
  44. Chapter Forty-four
  45. Acknowledgements

I polish the mirror and the door panels and I’ve made a start. I polish up the banister and before I know it I’m standing outside Charlie’s bedroom. I know in my heart that I have to go in and assess what I need to do to make it right before they come here. But I suddenly can’t move my arms. It’s a heavy feeling, a dread that comes with facing your worst fear.

The terror at going into my son’s bedroom is overwhelming. It brings into focus the chance that all this might be too optimistic; that it might not work out, no matter how promising it seems. After all, I can’t tell them Jack is a bigamist, because I would have to explain how I found out.

I have to take the chance. I have to let go of the past and hope that fucking Emma is worth so much to him and that she keeps her word. I stand there and run it over in my mind: what could go wrong and, if it did, what would happen. Then I turn the handle and go in.

It’s dusty and smells of damp. There’s a patch on the ceiling just under where the cold water tank would be. I make a mental note to get a plumber in. I sit on the bed and pick up Barney, Charlie’s teddy. I don’t expect he’ll be wanting him now, or all the Lego. I expect he’s into computers.

I feel a pang of panic as I realise that I don’t know my own children. I leave the room as it is for now and check Laura’s. As I open the door, the butterflies I suspended from the ceiling years ago flap their wings and dust dislodges and makes me cough. Her tiny bed has a princess headboard and canopy. I need to order a new bed for her. And one for me.

This is it. It’s all coming right at last. I’m planning, organising. Waiting for my children to come home. I’ve made a real start on sorting out my life. I leave their bedroom doors open to air the rooms and I get out my laptop and go to Amazon Prime. Instead of drunken ordering, I’ve got a purpose. I order 200 strong bin liners and an assortment of cleaning materials.

I look around at the piles and piles of Amazon boxes, monuments to my lost years. It’s an imposing task but I need to do it. I need to get rid of everything. Start again. A new life. I can feel that tomorrow is going to be a good day.

Chapter Forty