Katy sits at the table with us and there we are, #allgirlstogether. But we’re not a bunch of miraculously repaired women whose lives are suddenly wonderful. No. Patti reaches into her bag. She’s rock chick on the outside, but softly spoken. She works in graphic design and she’s made me a poster. She holds it up.

‘DON’T ENGAGE.’

Paula laughs loudly.

‘See, Caz, that’s what I was on about. If you feel the pull towards a fake profile or hunting down an ex, just look at this.’

She stands it up on top of the fridge. Katy laughs too.

‘Can you make me one? I might need a reminder as well.’

It’s not funny, but laughter is a coping strategy. Like stoicism. I open a bottle of wine and pour them a glass each, but I have lemonade. For the time being. We silently acknowledge broken lives and I vow that I’ll do everything I can to make my children’s lives the best they can be.

I’ve only known Lee three months, but I’ve talked to him about my regret. I told him everything: all my feelings, all about the Premier Inn men. All about how Jack treated me. He didn’t say much, but his advice was to put as much right as I could without giving in. I can tell we are going to get on.

I look out over the garden now. Jamie is chasing Laura, and Charlie is tying up a net to some goalposts. Jamie’s going to stay over tonight while Katy goes out with friends. A five-year-old little girl, Faith, runs up to Lee shouting ‘Daddy’ and I’m reminded that all our lives are intermingled with each other’s, and none of them are perfect. But they are, with care, love and understanding, manageable.

Lee comes into the house and puts an arm casually around my shoulder. We look over to the shape huddled in a blanket on a deckchair.

‘That was nice of you. Really nice. You’re a good person.’

He kisses me lightly.

‘Do you want to take her a cup of tea, seeing as she won’t come in and sit with us?’

He pours a cup and I watch as he goes outside and hands it to Missy. She glances sideways at me and I swear I see the beginnings of a smile. Or maybe I imagined it. I haven’t forgiven her fully, but it’s not about me, is it? The children asked if Nana could come over for the party and I didn’t hesitate. She’s been a huge part of their lives for the past year and they love her. So it’s only right.

I mull over what would happen if they wanted Daddy to come over. While I feel nothing for him, I haven’t forgiven him. I don’t think I ever will.

But I will forgive myself.

Acknowledgements