There are so many things I still need to do: Bloom and Blossom needs to open, and even if I could get to my phone, I can’t expect Lyndsey to take the whole day by herself. No, I need to get up and push through, I can’t let the pain beat me. But fuck, it hurts.

My tears are non-stop now because I know, I know the only thing that will bring me some comfort and help me move even slightly is painkillers, but I can’t bring myself to take some. It would kill me for the baby to be dependent on drugs when she is born. There are painkillers that are pregnancy safe, paracetamol for one, but that wouldn’t even begin to scratch the surface. I’d take codeine usually but there is a high chance the baby can become dependent on them in utero so I can’t bring myself to take even one. One probably wouldn’t have a big effect, but I just can’t because I can’t imagine having to watch my baby go through withdrawals when they are only a few hours old. That pain would out trump this by thousands.

Me and Liam are having a baby girl. When the doctor told us, my heart broke into pieces and she stole every shard. I think Liam was hoping for a girl, he has spoken non-stop about me teaching him how to do hair so he can be helpful, talking about teaching her hockey with Jack since he found out. The excitement of the news made me feel like I was floating and this is the crash back to earth. The rude reminder of my life. I know I need to do anything I can to help me get through the day and the only thing that feels like it might help is painkillers. It is either I take some or I lie here until I become one with the bedspread.

But to get the painkillers I have to move.

Shit.

There aren’t many times when I wish I had a partner but now is one. If only I had a strapping hockey player sharing my bed who could help me, who would help me any way he can. I can hear Jack shuffling out of the toilet and I hate to ask him for help but I don’t know what else to do. He knows that his mum has days where she isn’t as strong but I try to skirt around the nitty gritty as much as I can.

“Jack, sweetie, can you come here?” Okay game face Ellis, don’t let him see how much it hurts. Smiling wide as he walks into my room I use all my energy to roll onto my side to him.

“Morning Mum, you okay?” He rubs his eyes with his little tiny fists.